Drabbles
by Mercy P. Jones
Summary: Drabbles of Faye Shepard's journey from ME1 and beyond. I may do a few drabbles about before ME1 as well. Mainly SHENKO. Spacer. War Hero. Soldier. Paragon. Coincides with my other fic 'It's Not Over Yet'. Do plan on rewriting some already posted chapters, but not until this is completed.
1. Meeting Commander Shepard

1. Meeting Commander Shepard

The Normandy was state of the art. Designed by both Human and Turian engineers, it was definitely one of a kind and not just in terms of engineering feats. It was a symbol, not just to Humans, but to the rest of the galaxy. By working together, amazing things could be accomplished. The races were stronger when they worked together than when they butted heads. Of course, most took that with a grain of salt.

Kaidan Alenko understood the importance of it though, as did everyone else in the room, he imagined. Everyone was in their appointed locations on the ship. Each one following Alliance protocal and learning what they could about it. It would most likely be at least a week or two before they were evn able to consider going about their mission, but everyone was filled with the anticipation.

This mission had been hush hush from the get go. All Kaidan really knew was that this ship was made by both Humans and Turians and that Captain Anderson had hand picked every single member of the crew – a rare thing. They were all waiting for their captain to come aboard and relay to them their mission through the intercom.

He was also eager to see who their XO was. Captain Anderson was in charge of the ship and the other members of the crew... well, Kaidan had heard about them through the media. They were all exceptional, they all had received medals of commendation at some point. Whoever Anderson chose as his executive officer was going to have to be someone who could earn the respect of all the officers on board.

Sitting in the co-pilot station, Alenko turned to Joker as a ping caught his attention. Joker nodded as he listened to the voice on the other end of his radio.

"Aye aye, sir," he responded like any other soldier. Then he hit the intercom for the rest of the Normandy. "Captain Anderson has arrived!"

Just like every other soldier in the ship, Alenko jumped out of his chair and stood in full salute out of respect. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Joker merely spin his chair around and bring his hand up in salute. The pilot stayed seated. Alenko stayed silent, it was none of his business.

Captain Anderson marched out of dock and passed them, only giving them a slight nod in return. On his heels was a woman clad in N7 armor. She nodded to them as well, but unlike Anderson, she made eye contact with both of them. It was the person who came out next to her that caused them to stiffen a little more. A turian, tall and menacing marched down the ship with him, not even bothering to look in their direction.

The three of them walked briskly and with a purpose until they disappeared into the conference room.

"Who was that?" Alenko turned to Joker who was looking as confused as ever. Alenko merely shrugged in return. He wasn't sure if the pilot was talking about the turian or the N7, but ultimately, it didn't matter. Alenko had no idea who either were, though the woman did look somewhat familiar.

"I've seen her before, just can't remember where..." he muttered as he took his seat back in the co-pilot chair.

"Her?" Joker looked at Kaidan incredulously. "I was talking about the Turian. The woman is Commander Shepard."

Kaidan's head snapped to Joker. "Shepard? The war hero from the Skyllian Blitz?"

Joker nodded. "The one and only."

No wonder she was so familiar. He had seen her on tv as she accepted the Star of Terra. It had been a big deal. One woman had stood against 10,000 batarians and not only managed to hold out for reinforcements, but she survived and had saved the lives of thousands of people in that settlement. It had been a big victory for the Alliance.

Captain Anderson had chosen his executive officer very well. Her name alone demanded respect after that.

As for the Turian... he was still a mystery.

_This is Captain Anderson speaking._

Joker and Alenko both looked up as the Captain's voice rang out of the intercom.

_In a few days we will be heading out on a shakedown run. My XO, Commander Shepard, and I will be around shortly to make sure you have everything you need to do your jobs. Also, as the Citadel Council has helped fund this project, they have sent a Spectre aboard to help over see operations._

_ Each and everyone of you was hand picked for this mission. I trust this shakedown run will go smoothly. Anderson out._

"Not exactly the speech of the century," Joker quipped as he looked at the coordinates the Captain had just sent to him.

Kaidan only rolled his eyes. He went about analyzing his data. "I figured it would be at least a week before we left port. If we're going to be leaving in a few days instead, we have some work to do."

"Whatever, I already know all about this baby I need to," Joker grinned, but he too was already sifting through some data on the ship while trying to plot the course Anderson had given.

There was a moment of silence for both of them as they worked. Neither heard the footfalls that paused behind them.

"I assume everything's going well up here?"

The female voice caused Kaidan to jump in surprise while Joker merely spun his chair around and grinned.

Commander Shepard stood behind them, dressed completely in her N7 armor, her hands on her hips and her face stoic, but her bright blue eyes glinted in amusement at Kaidan. "Didn't mean to startle you, Leuitenant," she apologized.

"Not to worry, ma'am." Kaidan nodded in acceptance.

"Everything's looking good so far, Commander," Joker spoke up, ignoring the small exchange. "I have eyes on all systems and so far, everything seems to be working in optimal range."

The Commander nodded. "Very good..."

"Jeff Moreau, ma'am." He smirked. "But everyone calls me Joker."

Kaidan watched as the corner of Shepard's lip quirked up at that, but she merely nodded at the pilot. She turned an expectant gaze to him.

"Leuitenant Kaidan Alenko, ma'am."

"Nice to meet you," she said politely to the two of them. "If either of you need anything don't hesitate to let me know. This mission's important to the Alliance brass."

They both nodded and watched as she spun around to leave. As she spun they watched her stop for a split second in shock. Standing right behind her was the Turian.

"Nihlus," she greeted and continued past him as if unfazed.

The Turian watched her go for a moment before turning his attention back to the two Alliance soldiers. "Have you managed to plot our course, Mr. Moreau."

"Yes, sir," was all Jeff said.

"Very good. Your captain will be pleased." Without another word he turned on his heel and followed after Shepard.

"Well, that wasn't creepy at all," Joker muttered. He turned to Kaidan. "Did you see him before the Commander turned around?"

Kaidan shook his head. "No, it was like he appeared out of nowhere."

"Huh..." Joker shook his head and went back to work.


	2. Just Before The Shakedown

2. Just before the Shakedown run

At first, Kaidan had serious doubts on whether or not they would be able to operate the ship as well as they should be, but it soon became apparent to the Lieutenant that the everyone on board was hand picked for a reason. What should have normally taken the better part of a week to learn, took only a few days. It was rather impressive.

Though you would hardly say that with Nihlus's comments. To him they were running just as expected. No better, no worse.

There were many things strange with Nihlus that Kaidan merely chalked up to him being either a Turian or a Spectre, but there was one thing he couldn't figure out... why was Nihlus almost always following Shepard? Not enough to be labeled as a stalker by any means, but enough for Kaidan to notice. And Shepard as well...

Each day, Commander Shepard would stop at cockpit and speak to him and Joker, asking if they needed anything. He'd watch each day as she went to each member of the crew and check up on them. He had never seen someone pay so much individual attention to their crew. He was certain that she knew every single name of every single crew member. Something most of the higher ranked officers rarely cared to do.

She was definitely something special and Nihlus seemed to realize that.

Kaidan swallowed down the jealousy at the thought. Not that he was interested in Shepard that way. Of course not, she was his superior officer. Sure she was attractive, but he had only spoken a few words with her. His jealousy was more because of her reputation. He would love to be able to go on a mission with her just once, just to see her in action, see if she was really as good as they said. She had to be. She was an N7.

Kaidan shook his head and wiped the sweat from his brow. He wasn't working at the co-pilot chair today. Instead he was down on the crew deck, poking at some maintance station. Nothing major really, just a small blip on Joker's screen concerning the life pods. Kaidan had volunteered to go check it out.

"Everything OK?"

The voice made him jump again. He looked over at Commander Shepard who was smirking at him.

"I make you nervous, Lieutenant?" Shepard took a step forward and looked at the panel he had been poking at. The question was almost flirtatious.

"Oh, uh... No, ma'am," he sputtered and inwardly winced as she rose an eyebrow at him. She didn't believe him. He sighed. "No, ma'am, you don't," he spoke with a more confident tone. "Just startled me is all."

Shepard grinned, startling the Lieutenant yet again. The action made him aware that he had never seen her smile before. She had a very nice smile.

"I seem to be very good at startling you," she held back a laugh.

Kaidan couldn't help but agree. "Apparently so."

"What are you doing?"

"Joker had a small blip with the life pods, I came down to check it out. Everything looks fine though." Kaidan slipped the panel back into place.

"Good to hear." Shepard straightened back up and seemed to study the Lieutenant for a moment. She seemed to come to some conclusion and nodded again. "I suggest you return to your station, Lieutenant. Captain Anderson is considering heading out later today."

"Aye aye, ma'am." Kaidan nodded as Shepard turned around and began walking towards the stairs. When he looked away, something caught his attention out of the corner of his eye, causing him to look back up again. Nihlus was heading in the same direction.

He shook his head.

Maybe Nihlus was kind of like a stalker.


	3. Mushroom Soup

**Mushroom Soup  
**

Kaidan rolled his neck and rubbed his temples. He had just been to visit Dr. Chakwas about his migraine. It had been a bad one, but he chalked it up to a long day. Eden Prime had been nothing short of a disaster. They lost two good men there, more if you count Chief William's team and the innocents in the colony.

They also could have lost their Commander.

He had been excited to join the Commander's ground team. Almost as excited as Jenkins, he just held it in better. He hadn't been disappointed. Commander Shepard really was as good as they claimed. She was precise, fast, and a hell of a strategist. Unfortunately, their first sign of combat was Jenkins' death. There had been no way for her to save the young soldier.

She had been able to save him though.

Ashely had said that if she had survived whatever the Prothean Beacon had done to her, there was a good chance he would have survived it too. The comment had plagued him to the point where his migraine intensified making him go see Dr. Chakwas.

He had asked her if it was true. If he would have been OK had Shepard not pushed him out of the way. Dr. Chakwas had sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Because of his L2 implant it was hard to say. If he had been an L3, then the chances were better, but as an L2, there was no telling what the complications could have been.

Kaidan was now convinced. Shepard had saved his life.

A cough made him jump and look up. The subject of his thoughts sat at the mess table, a small bowl in front of her along with a data pad. She wasn't looking at either of them. Her eyes were closed and her fingers worked on massaging her temples.

She had a headache.

Kaidan hesitated, but slowly made his way over. "You OK?"

She jumped at his voice and looked up with wide eyes. He couldn't help but smile slightly. How many times had she made him jump in surprise? It was nice to know she could be surprised too.

"Hmmm..." she hummed and glanced down at her soup and datapad before pushing them away. She motioned for him to take a seat, which he gladly did. "Headache," she explained. "Finding it hard to sleep."

"Same here."

Shepard looked up, making eye contact with him. She seemed to be thinking as she stared at him. She did that a lot it seemed. "L2?" she questioned. He merely nodded in agreement, silently surprised.

"How did you know?"

"Chakwas told me," Shepard confessed. "She mentioned it was good you hadn't been the one subjected to... whatever the beacon did. I asked her why."

"Ah." Kaidan nodded in understanding. "I uh..." he cleared his throat, making Shepard raise an eyebrow. "I wanted to thank you -"

"Not necessary." Shepard waived a dismissive hand. "I would have done that for anyone." At the fallen look on Kaidan's face, Shepard inwardly winced. She had done it again. While it was true that she would have done that for anyone, voicing the truth like she did sometimes seemed to push people away. "I am glad you're OK though, Lieutenant." He looked back up at her. "You're a hell of a soldier."

"Thank you, ma'am." The shock was evident in Alenko's voice and Shepard couldn't help but smile. "If you don't mind me asking... what exactly were you eating?" He scrunched his face as he peered over at her soup.

Shepard lifted the spoon and some weird brown goop glopped back into the bowl. "I have no idea..." her face scrunched up too. "It was suppose to be mushroom soup."

"Mushroom soup?" Kaidan tipped the bowl towards himself to get a better look at it. It looked nothing like mushroom soup.

"Yeah..." Shepard clicked her tongue and shook her head. "I'm really not a good cook."

Kaidan couldn't help but chuckle. "If you call making mushroom soup cooking, then you're probably not."

Shepard's mouth dropped as she feigned offense. "Hey! It required a microwave and everything!"

Kaidan shook his head, still laughing. "Oh, a microwave? My mistake."

_Commander, ETA to the relay 2 minutes._

"Thank you, Joker. I'm on my way." Shepard stood up and nodded to Kaidan, a smile still on her lips. She grabbed her datapad and the bowl of failed soup. "Thanks for keeping me company, Kaidan."

"Anytime, Shepard." He nodded in return as she walked away, his eyes instinctively landing on her backside before he quickly snapped them away. She was definitely one of a kind.


	4. Sore Neck

**Sore Neck**

Faye Shepard was raised aboard starships, space stations, and Alliance cruisers. She was instilled with an innate understanding of the rules and regulations. They were there for a reason and she trusted them. Her parents had made sure she was also raised with the understanding that sometimes rules had to be broken and – she believed – good judgement in when those times were.

This was not one of those times.

Sure, she had ignored the fraternization rules before, she was only human, but not when her mission was this important, this big. Now, more than ever, it was imperative she remain a calm, collected, and confident commander for her crew. They all looked up to her.

But Kaidan...

There was something about him. He threw her for a loop. That small smile he'd give her would flash in her mind during her downtime. Worse than that, sometimes during a mission or while she was working, she'd wonder what he'd say if he wasn't with her.

This wasn't the first time she had been attracted to another soldier during a crucial mission, but her normal suppress, ignore, and stay busy solution was not working. At all. In fact, the problem was getting worse. It was getting to the point where she didn't know if she was more distracted if he was on the ground team with her or when he wasn't.

It was dangerous.

She needed to nip this in the bud... and fast...

"Commander?"

Speak of the devil... Shepard turned around and couldn't help but smile a genuine smile. "Kaidan," she greeted with an inward wince. She had to stop calling him by his first name. It was unprofessional, but the small smile he gave whenever she did made her forgive herself. Damn him...

"Are you all right? You don't look so good." Concern laced his voice.

"Gee, thanks," she commented dryly with a raised eyebrow. She watched in amusement and semi-fascination as his cheeks heated to a bright red.

"No – I meant – I mean you look tired – exhausted. You always look good-" he stopped the sentence abruptly and, if possible, his face turned even more red.

Shepard laughed. "Relax, Alenko, I know what you meant. And thank you." Even though the last part was said with sincerity, Kaidan's face stayed its bright red. He was now standing ramrod straight, his hands clasped behind his back and his eyes unsteadily forward. He was trying to save face. "Sit, Lieutenant. I could use the company."

His chocolate eyes looked down at her, contemplating, always contemplating, before he silently took a seat. The action alone seemed to have helped reduce the red in his face.

"To be honest," Shepard sighed as she leaned back in the chair, "I've been having trouble sleeping since the beacon."

"Headaches?" Kaidan asked, concluding from their last nighttime chat.

She nodded in agreement. "That... and the vision."

"Can't get it out of your mind?" Kaidan frowned, wondering what exactly the vision had shown her. She may have told him, but he didn't see the images, hear the screams. For it to haunt her this way, it must have been terrible.

"My dreams, more like."

"Nightmares?"

"Hmm." Faye nodded and took a sip of the tea. She winced and slowly set the tea down. "And my neck. Ugh!" She rolled her head. "I think I pulled something at that dig site."

"That krogan had a hell of a punch." Kaidan smiled at her.

"Yes, he did, but that's not what it was."

"What was it then?"

"...That damned Mako..."

Kaidan laughed. "I still can't believe you let Garrus drive that thing."

"He couldn't do any worse than Wrex." Shepard paused and cast Kaidan a side glance. "Or at least that's what I thought." She rolled her head again as he chuckled, this time leaving her head hanging once she was done. She let out a frustrated breath.

Warm fingers pressed gently on either side of her neck, making her stiffen slightly. Faye swallowed a lump down a tight throat as the fingers began to slowly massage away the kink. "Kaidan...?" she whispered huskily.

"I thought you could use some help," he spoke quietly, not quite a whisper. "Give it a second."

"This isn't exactly professional..." she muttered more to herself, but didn't move away. In fact, she leaned a little more towards his hands. They felt so good.

Kaidan didn't respond, just kept massaging her shoulders and neck, helping to work out the kinks. His hands were warm. Much warmer than they had any real right to be, and Shepard had to concentrate on breathing to keep her thoughts from wandering. It was when his fingers slipped under the collar on her shirt and his fingertips pressed against her bare shoulders that she snapped out of it.

His hands were way too warm on her normally covered skin.

She immediately stood up and spun around as much as she could with his hands still inside her collar on her shoulders. She took in a deep breath when she saw just how close he was. He was practically nose to nose with her, his breath was just as shallow as hers and helped to remind her just how cold she really was. Why did they always insist on keeping ships so cold anyway?

As she slowly turned around to face him fully, his hands slid across her skin. Their chests were now pressed lightly against each other. His hands slid out of her collar and along the length of her neck. They lightly traced her jawline, his left hand stopping at her chin while his right hand traced up to her brow and gently brushed against the scar that slashed through her eyebrow.

Shepard was suddenly feeling very disoriented and closed her eyes in hopes of regaining her head. It seemed to do the exact opposite unfortunately.

Suddenly the warmth was gone.

Her eyelids flew open and she looked over at Kaidan who had taken a few steps back. He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"I uh... I hope that helped, Commander," he stuttered. "Good night, Ma'am." He quickly turned on his heel and marched back to the crew quarters.

Shepard had to shake her head to come out of the stupor the Lieutenant left her in.

This was not helping her distraction...


	5. Hypnotic Eyes

**Hypnotic Eyes**

It was her eyes.

They were a haunting bright blue. He found it hard to look away from them whenever she was in the same room. He had even heard Ashley say something about how impressed she was that Shepard used makeup (something most women in the military had given up on) to draw attention to them, almost forcing people to look her in the eye. The black eyeliner and the lipstick that matched her lips to her skin made her eyes pop even more.

Those nights where he'd run into her in the mess when she couldn't sleep because of some headache or some after effects from the vision, she'd been without makeup. In his mind, she didn't need any of it, even to draw attention to her eyes, but he did admit that her lips had caught his eye a few times during those meetings.

Kaidan shook his head, slightly embarrased as he thought about what had just transpired.

He had been trying to be nice when he saw how stiff and exhausted she was. He knew full well from personal experience that she wouldn't be able to go to sleep until she relaxed somewhat. He had given her a neck massage, trying to help her out. He didn't know what he was thinking.

The next thing he knew, they were face to face. Her breasts brushed against his chest, making him grateful that her hips hadn't brushed against his. He knew he should have backed away, apologized, and excused himself... but her eyes. They enraptured him. The next thing he knew, he was taking her in. Her fair skin, probably the result of growing up on starships most of her life, stood in stark contrast to her dark chocolate hair. The length of her long neck enhanced the shape of her strong jawline. The scars on her chin and eyebrow were a true testament to the soldier she was.

Then she closed her eyes.

It was as if a spell had been broken. He could breathe, he could think, again. It was then that Kaidan realized he had caressed her skin as he studied her. He felt his face grow hot. He backed away, apologized, and excused himself politely. Or as politely as one could do in that situation.

That's why he had decided it was her eyes.

Those damned beautiful eyes.


	6. Scuttlebutt

**Scuttlebutt**

On Alliance ships such as the _Normandy_, rumors spread like wildfire. It was mainly for entertainment purposes and very rarely did an inciddent actually occur because of them. Hell, the chances of the rumors being true were very slim and everyone knew it.

Even Ashley.

But that didn't mean she couldn't investigate.

True, it was none of her business, but she was curious _and_ she knew the exact place to go for the juiciest tidbit of gossip.

"What's up, Joker?" She plopped herself into the co-pilot chair and stared at the console as if she knew exactly what it all meant. She didn't.

Joker eyed her warily. "Peachy. What do you want?"

Ashley looked at him aghast. "I can't just say hi?"

"You? No," Joker scoffed. "If you just wanted to say hi, you'd use the comm. You only actually ever come up here when you want something."

"Well, maybe your sparkling personality is just too much for me to take in all at once," she bit back, a small smirk quirking her lips.

Joker snorted at that. "I'm a regular ball of sunshine." He pushed a few buttons on his console and it was only then that Ashley realized that he had only glanced her direction once. Joker was distracted by whatever it was he was doing. "Really, though," he continued, "what's up? Not that I mind the company, but contrary to popular belief I do actually work."

"I was just curious about some gossip flying around the ship. Figured you'd know better than anyone." Ashley left the actual gossip out of the equation, waiting to see if he bit. She wasn't disappointed.

"What makes you think I'd know better?"

"C'mon, Joker! Everyone knows you spy with the vids. So spill!" Ashley sat up straighter, ignoring the roll of Joker's eyes. "The Asari. She really have a crush on the Commander?"

Joker looked at Ashley for a moment before shrugging. "Couldn't tell ya."

"Oh, c'mon, Joker! She keeps asking about her! And hell, the Commander keeps defending her and going to talk to her too. Scuttlebutt says they're gettin' it on."

"Please, if Shepard's gonna get it on with someboy it's not Liara," Joker scoffed under his breath. He immediately froze when he realized what he just said. "Ah, crap!" He glared at a now smug Ashley.

"I KNEW IT!" Ashley pumped her fist in triumph while Joker just shook his head.

"Knew what?"

The two jumped and spun around to see Lieutenant Alenko walking towards them.

"Uh..." Ashley shot a frazzled look to Joker who just spun back to his work and refused to look at either of the two soldiers. "It's nothing, LT..."

Kaidan tilted his head as he stopped behind Joker's chair. "Didn't sound like nothing."

"It's just..." Ashley bit her lip. She didn't know what to do.

"Liara's got a crush on the Commander."

"What?" Kaidan's eyes darted to Joker in surprise.

"Yeah, Ashley heard the 'scuttlebutt' and thought I might know." Joker even used airquotes on the word scuttlebutt. "As if she couldn't figure that one out herself from all the questions Liara keeps asking."

Ashley watched as Kaidan noticebly stiffened and swallowed a lump down his throat. "Maybe she's curious about the Prothean vision," he offered, his voice almost desperate.

"Not with the kind of questions she's asking." Joker's tone was light. He smirked, but kept his eyes on the screen in front of him.

"What ki-" Kaidan cut himself off and shook his head. "This isn't any of our business. The Commander wouldn't jeapordize the integrity of our mission because of a small crush." Kaidan turned his eyes to Ashley. "Chief, I'm sure you have work to do in the cargo bay."

"Aye, aye, sir." Ashley jumped out of her chair, exchanging a small look with Joker as she quickly left the cockpit. Lieutenant Alenko followed after her at a much slower pace.

That little interaction was all Joker and Ashley needed to confirm at least one rumor aboard the _Normandy_.

Alenko had it bad for the Commander!


	7. A Bite In The Ass

**A Bite in the Ass**

He just made a fool of himself in front of her – again! She asked him a simple question about his take on their latest mission and he launched into a long, personal story about Rahna of all things. He just didn't want Shepard to work herself into a corner. He wanted her to have a way out. He ranted to her about a problem that happened a life time ago.

And she called him out on it.

He was human, she said. It was embarrassing that she had to explain that talking about his past didn't make him weak. She even commented on his self-control – which he felt like he had very little of when she was around.

"Hey, LT, you all right?"

Ashley slid in the seat next to him, her tray of food placed gently in front of her.

"I'm fine, Chief." Kaidan cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter.

"Uh-huh." She eyed him suspiciously.

"Really." He took a bite of his pasta and looked her in the eye.

"Fine." She shrugged and took a bite of her own food. "So... can I ask you a question?"

"Of course," he answered.

"What do you think of all the aliens the Commander is bringing aboard?" She asked in a hushed tone, as if afraid one of them would walk by and hear her.

"What do you mean?" Kaidan had an idea of where this was going. He overheard several discussions about whether the Commander knew what she was doing when she first invited them aboard and whether they could be trusted. For the most part, the discussions had dwindled, but he knew a few people were still very weary of the aliens.

"Well, I just mean, all the access she's letting them have. Sure, I get that we need help going after Saren, but she's letting the Quarian study the engine and the Turian calibrate the guns. I mean, it's classified information and she's giving them free run of the ship."

"I get what you're worried about, Chief, but that's what these individuals are good at and the Commander sees that. Tali is a Quarian and they grow up knowing more about the workings of ships than anyone other race because of where they live. It only make sense to have them help out where ever they can. If it comes straight down to it, I'd get in trouble for showing classified information than dying because we didn't let Garrus calibrate the guns." Kaidan watched as Ashley poked at her plate in thought.

"I guess," she sighed. "I dunno, I'm just worried it's gonna bite us in the ass."

Kaidan shrugged. "Sometimes you have to take that risk."

"Excuse, but may I join you?"

The two looked up to see the Asari standing there, awkwardly holding her food on a tray.

Kaidan nodded, silently noting that Ashley stiffened when Liara took a seat next to her.

"I actually have to go." Ashley stood up and grabbed her nearly full plate of food. "Promised Joker I'd go over stuff with him when I got the chance." And with that, the Chief was gone.

Liara T'Soni, the Asari scientist they had saved just a few weeks ago, sat across from Kaidan in awkward silence.

Kaidan hadn't really had much in the way of interaction with Asari before, but he definitely understood the attraction and even fascination with them. They looked familiar and yet exotic enough to grab the attention from both genders – regardless of their sexual preference.

So, the fact that Liara had started to follow Shepard around like a lost puppy made him nervous. Well, not really nervous so much as jealous.

He never though of himself as a jealous or possessive man, but he couldn't help the primal instinct that bubbled up at the thought. He hadn't felt like that since Rahna – which is probably why he had brought her up to the Commander earlier.

"I was wondering how long you've known the Commander." Liara's cheeks tinged a slight pink as she fiddled with the food in front of her.

Kaidan's mind immediately went back to Joker and Ashley's discussion on the bridge. He cleared his throat and tried to push it in the back of his mind. "Uhm, about a month or so longer than you, I guess. Why?"

"Oh!" The question seemed to catch her off guard and made her cheeks flush even more. "It's just... Shepard is very... She has a presence about her I have never encountered before... It's... intriguing."

Kaidan couldn't help but nod in agreement. "I know what you mean." The words slipped out before he even realized it. He felt his cheeks warm up when Liara stared at him silently for a moment.

She nodded. "I have looked up some of her history on the extranet. Her actions on Elysium were quite extraordinary, but I couldn't find much on her personal history."

A strange feeling twisted in Kaidan's gut, but he pushed it away. "I'm afraid I can't help you there. Shepard doesn't ever talk about her personal life." As he said it, he realized it was true. She had mentioned being a 'navy brat,' meaning she had at least one parent in the Alliance, but that was all. Kaidan suddenly realized he didn't know much about her either.

"I see." Liara nodded thoughtfully to herself. "Thank you, Lieutenant."

"Of course." Kaidan nodded politely back and gathered his dishes. "If you don't mind, I really should get back to work."

"Oh! Of course, I didn't mean to bother you!"

"You didn't bother me, Liara. It was nice chatting with you." Before she could say anything in responses, Kaidan had left.

He didn't know what bothered him more, the fact that Liara was really interested in the Commander or that he didn't know as much about her as he thought.


	8. Where Were We

**Where Were We**

When he finally found her, she was in the cargo bay talking to Garrus about the Mako guns he'd been calibrating. She was looking over his data and nodding to herself.

"This is good, Garrus, thank you." She took a step back and grinned at the Turian. "Any chance you're able to work on the mobility?"

Garrus barked out a laugh, making Kaidan jump in surprise. He hadn't spoken to the Turian much, so seeing the man be so relaxed around the Commander was surprising.

"Sorry, Shepard." Kaidan couldn't help but bristle at the Turian's informality. "I'm amazed I was able to figure out the gun calibrations on this thing. I've never really had the chance to just sit down and analyze Human technology before."

"And what's the verdict?" Shepard crossed her arms and truly looked curious about Garrus' answer.

"Well... you're very inventive, that's for sure." As Garrus started going into detail on what made Human technology inventive and different than Turian technology, Kaidan watched the grin that widened on Shepard's face. She found the Turian amusing.

"Garrus," she interrupted, holding up a hand to halt his explanation. "I'm glad you approve of our technology, but I'm not a techie. Most of this is just... gibber jabber to me."

"Oh..." Garrus looked a little confused. "Sorry, Commander."

"Oh, don't apologize." Shepard suddenly seemed to realize that she may have been rude. "You're more than welcome to analyze and compare our tech, I just don't understand how it all works, so I'm not the best to have an actual conversation with on it." She glanced behind her and made eye contact with Kaidan. She smiled broadly at him. "You should try bending Alenko's ear on it sometime." He stiffened slightly as Garrus looked at him, just now noticing him for the first time. "He's got a head for it."

"That sounds good." Kaidan politely agreed, noticing for that Garrus seemed to relax slightly. "I've always been kind of interested with how we compare to alien technology."

Garrus looked somewhat relieved. "Well, if you ever find the time, Lieutenant, I'd be happy to go over some things with you."

Kaidan nodded. "Maybe next time." He turned to his commanding officer. "Commander, if I could talk to you privately for a second."

Shepard nodded. "Of course, Lieutenant." She glanced back at Garrus. "Have fun," were her confusing parting words to the Turian before leading the Lieutenant to the far end of the cargo bay.

One of the things he had always hated about Alliance vessels was the lack of privacy. He knew that the back corner of the cargo bay was the best it was going to be for a while and was slightly nervous about it. If he spoke too loud, Garrus would be able to hear them. Luckily, Ashley and Wrex weren't in their usual spots at the moment, which made this the most private place on the ship.

"Something wrong, Kaidan?"

She used his first name again. In front of the rest of the crew, he had noticed she'd use either his rank or last name, but when it was just the two of them, it was always his first name.

He liked it, but there was another matter at hand.

"Yeah, actually." He looked at her for a moment and saw the worry in her eyes. "I uh... just had a conversation with Dr. T'Soni and... well, I realized something."

"Oh? What's that?" She rose an eyebrow.

"I don't know much about you."

That obviously caught her off guard. She blinked in surprise. "What?"

Kaidan cleared his throat as he tried to think of how to word this. "I told you about BAaT, Rahna, Vyrnnus, and even my father a little, but I know nothing about your life outside of the Alliance."

"Kaidan..." She hesitated. He had never seen her hesitate before. Even during their flirting she always seemed so decisive to him.

"I just..." He paused to try and put his thoughts to words. "I like you, Shepard." The confession seemed to catch her by surprise, but she stayed silent as he continued. "I don't know what this is between us, but... I do know that I want to know more about you, even if all we'll ever be is comrades."

Shepard stood there in front of him, silently. She was hesitating and that made him nervous.

"OK." She finally broke the silence. "Anything in particular you want to know about?"

That caught him off guard. He hadn't thought about what to ask her, just to ask her to tell him about herself. It was a broad question and not the easiest to answer. He was just about to kick himself when a thought hit him.

"Mushroom soup."

That definitely caught her attention.

"What?"

"Why mushroom soup?"

Kaidan watched as the color literally drained from her face.


	9. John Shepard

She was 12 the first time she tried it. It didn't go well.

It was the year she lived aboard Arcturus Station with her father, John Shepard. The only other time she remembered the man getting sick, her mother made him soup. Mushroom soup to be exact. Only this time, her mother was away on assignment, leaving a 12-year-old Faye Shepard to take care of her flu ridden father. A 12-year-old who had never cooked a meal or even been shown how to follow a recipe in her life was not going to make the most delicious meal, but being 12 years old, Faye wasn't worried about taste, just the task.

Even now, Faye could remember the grimace on her father's face when he took that first bite. It was bad, very bad. Maybe she had a crestfallen look on her face or maybe she was still beaming with pride, but either way he took another bite, thanked her for her generosity and kissed the top of her head. He never finished the soup, but Faye hadn't noticed then. All she noticed was that it made him smile and he was better the next day.

It soon became a tradition of hers. Whenever she stayed with her father, if he was sad or angry or something other than his normal rational self, Faye made him mushroom soup. It was always bad and he always lit up at the gesture.

Then things changed.

Growing up, Faye had been aware that her family wasn't like other families – even military ones. Usually, only one parent was in the military, not both. If they both were then they weren't both on active duty. Her's were. Always. Even when she stayed with them they were active. It was just how she grew up. She never _hated_ it. In fact, it seemed simple to her – life in the Alliance. It was comforting, she supposed, but because of the abnormalities of their life, her family had very few family traditions. In fact, Faye was pretty sure that mushroom soup was the only one they had. And it was strictly between her and her father.

There were also very few moments where Faye hated her life – even as a teenager. The one moment that still stood out in her mind was the worst.

She had been 17 years old, just 4 months shy of 18, and living with her mother on board the _Eris_, a research vessel, when Admiral Hackett – though at the time he was Captain – arrived to personally give them the news.

John Shepard was MIA, presumed dead.

Hackett held out his dog tags. Hannah Shepard just stared at them, the normally level-headed soldier was in shock. Faye stepped forward and accepted them, asking the Captain what any family member would ask. "What happened?"

"Classified," was the answer. Faye merely nodded in understanding. They were soldiers, after all. It was expected.

This was the first, and_ only_, time Faye ever considered not enlisting in the Alliance.

It was Hackett's last words to them before he left that erased the doubt. They weren't words of inspiration or deep insight. They were just sincere.

"Your father was good man. You should be proud."

And she was. She was proud of him, proud of her mother, and proud of soldiers like Hackett.

The next few days, Faye watched as her mother mourned in silence. Hannah barely spoke to Faye, instead opting to bury herself in work and reports. It worked for the older Shepard for those few days, but then the woman finally broke.

Whenever her father acted slightly off, Faye made him mushroom soup. It was her mother who was hurting now, much more than she ever remembered her father had. So, she did the only thing she could think of, she made mushroom soup. When she placed the bowl in front of her mother in the crew quarters, she hadn't thought about the fact that she always made it wrong. So when her mother took a bite of the soup and immediately spat it out, Faye's stomach twisted.

At her mother's incredulous look, Faye launched into explaining the tradition, realizing for the first time that even after all these years Hannah didn't know about it.

Hannah burst into tears right on the spot, ranting about how Faye had never really known the man and how she should have known better than to marry another soldier. She even sobbed out that she regretted starting a family while in the Alliance. All of that, Faye could get past. Sure, it hurt, but her mother was mourning and looking at how John would still be there if they had made just a few different choices.

Luckily for the two of them, they were the only ones in the crew quarters at the time. Her mother, with tears streaming down her face, confessed that John Shepard had once been so angry during one of their recent arguments, he talked about faking his death and leaving everything behind. Her mother had quickly waved off the argument, as he had only mentioned this the one time, but it made Faye wonder.

Years later, Faye would still entertain the idea that her father was alive and out there somewhere, but she knew better. He may have said it in anger during one argument, but that wasn't the kind of man he was.

"It's the duty of the fortunate to help out those less so," he'd say to her with a small smile. "You're one of the fortunate, Faye. So am I. Our duty always comes first."


	10. Mushroom Soup Explained

Kaidan was worried now. He had never seen Shepard lose color like that before. Plus she had gone silent was still staring at him with impossibly wide eyes.

"Shepard?" He placed a hand on her shoulder and she jumped out of whatever trance she had been in.

"Sorry," she cleared her throat.

"No, I'm sorry." Kaidan frowned. "Shepard, you don't have to tell me if-"

"No," she cut him off. "It's fine. I just... I've never really talked about it. You said you don't know much about my life outside the Alliance and truth is, I don't really have one. Both my parents were Alliance and active while I was growing up."

"You grew up around Alliance soldiers." It wasn't a question so much as a realization.

"Yeah. Joining just seemed... natural, I guess." She shrugged.

"And the mushroom soup?"

"My father. I started making it for him when he was upset or sick. I was around 12 when I first did it and I always made it wrong. Then after he died... I just started making it when..." she trailed off.

"When you were upset," he finished for her.

Shepard nodded. "Yeah. It was kind of a tradition between us, I guess. Comforting."

"What happened to him?" Kaidan watched as she made a point to keep eye contact.

"Classified. All Hackett could tell us was that he was MIA, presumed dead." It was obvious to Kaidan that her answer bugged her.

"How old were you?" He was genuinely curious.

"17. Almost 18."

"And you still joined the Alliance? Most people wouldn't have after that." He was genuinely surprised.

"Alliance is in my blood. It's how I was raised. I don't know any other life." The truth in her statement almost made him sad for her. Here he had lived as a spoiled kid, a rambunctious teen, a disturbed and lost young adult, and then a soldier.

"And you've never once tried to find out what happened?" He wouldn't be able to understand if she said no. Even with all the issues between him and his father, he would have searched high and low for the man.

"I did once. After Elysium and my N7 training. I figured it gave me enough respect and notoriety that I could get through some of the walls, but it never turned up anything." She crossed her arms securely across her chest.

"Shepard... I... I don't really know what to say." His heart ached for her.

"Kaidan." She smiled softly. "Just like you with Rahna, my father's disappearance played a big role in the person I am today, but I don't need you to say anything. The past is the past. We can't change it."

"I know, but..." Suddenly paranoid, Kaidan glanced over towards Garrus just in time to see the Turian disappear underneath the Mako. Whirring noises began as he fiddled with the tank. Knowing no eyes were on either of them for a moment, Kaidan suddenly felt brave. He looked back at Shepard to see her hypnotic blue eyes staring at him curiously. Before she could say anything, he leaned his head down and pressed his lips to her forehead. When he pulled away he could see the shock on her face. "You're an amazing woman, Shepard."

The corner of her lip pulled up ever so slightly and her arms slipped from their crossed position and down to her side. "Kaidan, I-"

_Commander, we're ten minutes out from Noveria._

"Thank you, Joker, I'm on my way," Shepard shook her head at his timing. "What are the chances he was spying on us you think?"

Kaidan chuckled. "Pretty damn high."


	11. After Noveria

Kaidan growled in frustration and slammed his hand against his locker. Ashley glanced at him from her station, but didn't say a thing and snapped her attention back to her guns when he glanced towards her. He finished putting his gear away, but paused a moment, as if considering what he should do. Deciding, he marched from his locker to the Mako where Garrus was tinkering with something on the screen.

"What the hell happened?" he snapped.

Garrus' head snapped up in surprise. "What do you mean?"

"On Noveria." He crossed his arms in frustration. His real frustration was the fact that Shepard hadn't brought him along, but had chosen Liara instead. All he knew was that when they had come back to the _Normandy_, Liara had practically dragged her feet to the medlab and Shepard had snapped at him when he tried to ask her what had happened. It had been two hours since then and he hadn't seen either woman.

"Oh. Yeah... I have a feeling, Shepard wants to tell everyone in the debriefing." Garrus answered nervously before turning back to his screen.

"Don't give me that! Something happened down there that's got her nervous. Shepard had postponed the debriefing to finish writing her report apparently. This told Kaidan that something big happened on that mission.

Garrus sighed and turned back to him. "Let's put it this way. Shepard made a choice that's going to have huge repercussions for the entire galaxy in the future. Whether it's good or not... well... we won't know until later."

"And Liara doesn't agree with her call?" Kaidan frowned, but calmed down now that he had some type of answer.

"Uh... no, she supported her... Look, Lieutenant, I don't feel comfortable talking about this until Shepard has debriefed everyone and submitted her report to the Council." Garrus glanced back to the Mako. "I'm going to continue working on the Mako."

Without another word the Turian turned around and left a now even more frustrated Kaidan. With a grunt, he spun on his heel and marched towards the elevator. If Garrus wasn't going to answer his questions, he'd go straight to the source.

The elevator ride only served to increase his frustration. He barely paid Chakwas a glance as she entered the elevator when he exited. He approached the Commander's door with some trepidation and anxiousness. He wanted to see her, but he rarely saw her so upset or dismissive. Of course, to be fair, he hadn't known her very long. Less than a year really. It was weird to think about. With a shake of his head, he knocked on the door.

And waited.

After a moment of no response, he trudged away from the cabin. She must have been somewhere else, but where?

The question was pushed to the side when he felt the beginnings of one of his migraines in the base of his skull. With a roll of his neck, he silently headed towards the medbay. His brow lowered when he noticed the door was open, a strange occurrence on Alliance ships. He froze at what he saw just on the other side of the open door.

Shepard and Liara were in a tight embrace, the latter's head buried in Shepard's shoulder.

Kaidan's heart dropped and his stomach twisted. Jealousy rose in his throat and he had to force down a swallow. He had known of Liara's interest in Shepard, but Shepard had assured him she had no similar feelings for the Asari.

Had that been just to make sure she didn't lose his interest?

It was another hour before she called everyone into the Comm room for a debriefing. It sounded like quite the adventure. He had to admit he felt bad for Dr. T'Soni when he heard that they had to kill her mother, but he felt a little better about why Shepard had chosen the Asari archeologist to come on this mission. She must have been given a heads up that the Matriach had at least gone through there.

It was the Rachni that gave him pause. He glanced in Wrex's direction and could immediately tell that the Krogan was not too happy with Shepard's act of mercy, but he stayed surprisingly quiet.

Kaidan couldn't help but wonder if that was what had Shepard so worked up today, but it was when Liara stood up and said something about a Cipher that Shepard stiffened. She explained to the rest of the crew what the Cipher was and Kaidan once again felt that guilt sit on his shoulders.

If it hadn't been for him, she wouldn't have to suffer through the effects of the visions.

After the debriefing, she had dismissed them so she could talk to the Council, as she always did after the missions that revealed more and more of Saren's plan.

As soon as they left the room, he turned to Liara. "Dr. T'Soni," the Asari stopped and turned to him while the others returned to their stations, Ash looking over her shoulder curiously, but not faltering in her steps. He knew he would have to explain to her later. "Do you mind waiting a moment?"

"Of course not, Lieutenant." She clasped her hands behind her back. "Did you have something you wished to discuss?"

"Uh, Yeah. Hey, Joker?" He looked up at the ceiling.

_Yeah, Lieutenant?_

"Let us know when Shepard is off the comm with the Council please."

_Sure thing._

"Lieutenant?" Liara stared at him curiously and Kaidan had to swallow a lump in his throat. She really was attractive. He could see how someone could be attracted to her, he just thought that Shepard was interested in men not... well women.

"I was hoping to have a conversation with you and the Commander. Clear the air about something," he explained.

She slowly nodded, as if she suddenly understood what this was about. "I see... Of course."

_Lieutenant, she just turned off he comm system._

"Thanks, Joker." He motioned for Liara to follow him inside. As soon as they entered, Shepard had turned away from the comm unit and stopped in surprise at the sight of the two.

"Dr. T'Soni? Commander? We need to talk. The three of us." His voice was firm.

"This is a rather awkward situation." Liara fidget slightly, a clear sign that she did not want to have this conversation.

"I'm not trying to make anyone uncomfortable. I'm just trying to figure out where I stand," Kaidan explained. He really didn't have anything against Liara, she seemed like a nice girl.

"Am I missing something?" Shepard glanced between them, obviously confused. It only served to irritate Kaidan more than anything.

"I'm afraid it was inevitable. I may not know much about Human relationships, but I understand the concept of jealousy." Liara glanced at Kaidan out of the corner of her eye, the latter part of her sentence directed more towards him.

"I'm not jealous," he lied, "I'm confused and I thought we had something, ma'am, I didn't realize that you were a... well... that you prefer other women." He had to blink an image out of his mind. He may have been jealous, but he was also a red blooded Human male.  
"I am not exactly a woman, Lieutenant. My species only has one gender." Liara seemed truly confused about his statement.

"Yeah, but you look..." he trailed off at the innocent expression on her face. He shook his head and turned back to the Commander who had a strange expression on her face. "All right, Shepard, make a choice. If you're not serious about me, it'll hurt, but I'll get over it. But until you tell me I can't get over it."

Shepard stiffened an he watched as she took an involuntary step towards him. "But you're special to me, Kaidan." Her voice was soft and filled with shock.

"What about Liara? Is she special too?" He couldn't keep the jealousy from infecting his tone.

"This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I never should have told you my feelings, Shepard. I have put you in a terrible position. I'm sorry." Liara apologized and looked down at her feet.

A sympathetic look came over Shepard's face as Liara spoke. She let out a small sigh. "Look, I never meant to lead you on or for you to get hurt. But... Kaidan's the one I care about."

"I understand Commander. Perhaps it is for the best. He is one of your own kind. I am sure you and Kaidan will be very happy. I should go. I need to... check on something..." she excused and practically ran out of the room.

"I can't help but feel a little sorry for her," Kaidan muttered more to himself than to Shepard.

"I'm surprised. You sounded so angry a minute ago." Shepard looked at him steadily.

"A hearts a complex thing, Shepard. Yeah, I could blame you for indecision, but you think I've never been pulled in two directions? Look, I'm not really comfortable discussing this here in the comm room. You know where to find me when you're ready to talk." Before Shepard could say anything further, he turned on his heel and left the room.

Shepard rubbed the back of her neck and heaved out a heavy sigh. She hadn't been attracted to Liara at all. Yes, the Asari had mentioned her interest, but Shepard had thought that she had made her feelings for Alenko clear to the woman. She hadn't realized she had led the girl on. She should have been more blunt. She kept forgetting that Liara wasn't aware of Human idioms or in between the lines generalities.

Shepard shook her head. When did her personal life get so complicated?

Hell, when did she get a personal life?


	12. Drunk & Disorderly

AN: I did this scene because, let's face it, you need a drunk Kaidan or Shepard scene. Those are classics and always a good time. Also, I wanted to let you guys know how far along I am on this fic. This is Chapter 12 and I have a total of 38 planned. Whether or not that is a permanent number, is still up in the air, but I have 14 of those chapters already written and edited and at least 9 of them are WIP. So this story will continue. Also, this story has a sequel that I have already posted and am working on called 'It's Not Over Yet', which takes place after ME3 (this story will go up to the end of ME3). I haven't worked on that one as much since I want this one done first, but I have a plot and an outline already in place. References to this story will be made, but it is not necessary to read this one to get that one or vice versa.

Kaidan shifted awkwardly in his seat and glanced at the rest of the group at the table. Garrus, Joker, Wrex, and even Ashley and Liara were all laughing and taking about random little things, but that wasn't what was making him feel awkward. In fact, while getting everyone out to relax a little on the little shore leave they had was Joker's idea, he'd dragged Ashley along, hoping that the outing would help ease her tension with the aliens. So far, it seemed to be working.

What was making him feel nervous though, was the fact that he, just like everyone else, was fairly drunk, and Shepard had just walked into Flux. As she made her way towards them, he suddenly felt more self-conscious than ever. And the slight sway of her hips as she headed towards them looked _very _attractive.

"Everyone having fun?"

The entire table, with the exception of Kaidan, jumped in surprise at her voice.

"C-Commander!"Ashley quickly wiped at her mouth, as if doing so would suddenly make her sober again. Shepard just rose an amused eyebrow.

"Shepard, you should join us," Garrus motioned towards one of the two empty chairs at their table. Of the entire group, he and Wrex were the most sober.

Shepard glanced at the alcohol with a slight frown, but quickly replaced it with a smile. "I appreciate the invite, Garrus, but I have some things I need to get done before we get back to the_ Normandy_."

"C'mon, Shepard," Kaidan held up his whiskey, not noticing that he'd slipped by saying her name instead of rank. "You of all people need to relax once in a while."

"That's probably true, Lieutenant," Kaidan frowned at the use of his rank, but said nothing. "But, I really do have some things to get done."

"Would you like some help, Shepard?" Liara smiled and pushed her chair back.

Kaidan stiffened.

"No, thanks. It's kind of personal. I just thought I'd stop by and see how you guys were doing. Have fun. Just don't let Joker drink too much..." She smirked at the pilot who hadn't said anything because he was too busy pouring everyone's drink into each other's while they were distracted.

Ashley smacked him upside the head.

"Ow!" He glared at Shepard. "Tattletale..."

"Uh-huh." She shook her head. "Later."

She turned on her heel and started to walk away and Kaidan's eyes immediately zoomed to the sway of her backside. As soon as she was out of sight, he felt eyes bearing in on him. Both Ashley and Joker were smiling broadly. He cleared his throat. "What?" He grabbed his drink and quickly downed it.

"Someone's got a crush!" Ashley sing-songed.

The drink caught in his throat and he fell into a coughing fit. Not because of what she said, but because of the horrible taste. He glared at Joker who was snickering for two different reasons.

"What's a crush?" Wrex frowned, he had been extremely stoic the entire night, as if lost in thought.

"Oh, it just means Kaidan here would like to boink our Commander." Joker grinned unabashed.

The Lieutenant's face turned bright red. He really needed another whiskey...

"Boink?" Garrus and Liara exchanged a confused look.

"You know, 'get it on,'" Ashley offered, frowning as they continued to stare at her confused. With a frustrated sigh, she decided to go for the crude blunt approach. "He wants to have sex with her."

Kaidan started coughing again as three pairs of alien eyes landed on him in surprise. "I need a shot." He quickly stood up and left the table, making his way to the bar, silently planning his revenge on the two snickering Humans. His eyes landed on the young woman Shepard had helped earlier. "I need a shot of whatever you got..." he glance over his shoulder to see all the eyes still on him. "And keep them coming..."

* * *

"Kaidan."

The voice was familiar, soothing. He lifted his head up from the table and the first thing he noticed were the bright haunting blue eyes. He smiled. "You have beautiful eyes." If he hadn't been so inebriated, he may have noticed the red tinge on her cheeks. "Hypnotic..."

"All right, Lieutenant, you're very drunk." The woman sat down next to him and he stared at her for a long moment before registering that it was Shepard.

He hummed happily. "Shepard! You need a drink!" He raised his hand towards the bartender.

"That's all right," she answered calmly and snatched his hand to lower it back to the table. "I think you've had enough for the both of us."

He placed his other hand on top of the one that lowered his, making Shepard look down, somewhat startled. "Shepard?"

"Yes?" She looked back at him.

"You're extraordinary," he slurred out.

"Thank you, Lieutenant. You're not so bad yourself." She patted his hand and he hummed happily again.

Kaidan smiled proudly before looking at his empty glass. He frowned and looked around the club. "Where is everyone?"

"They left," she answered simply.

"They left me here?" He frowned, slightly offended.

"They tried to bring you back to the _Normandy_, but apparently, you didn't want to go," she explained.

"Why didn't I want to go?" He looked genuinely confused.

"I don't know."

"Huh..."

"Do you want to go now?" Shepard asked.

"No." He didn't even hesitate.

"Why not?"

"'Cause you're here." He looked at her again.

"What if I go with you to the _Normandy_?" she suggested.

He narrowed his eyes comically as if considering the suggestion."... No." He shook his head emphatically.

She had to hold down a smile. "Why?"

"Because then... I can't be alone with you."

The truth in the statement made her chest flutter and she had to clear her throat. "Kaidan..."

He gave her one of his half smiles and her chest fluttered again. "I like it when you use my name."

"Well, then, I'll try to use it more often," Shepard spoke softly with a small smile.

"Good." He nodded.

Shepard stared at him for a moment before coming to a conclusion. "C'mon." She stood up.

"I don't want to go back just yet." His hand shot out and grabbed her wrist to stop her from leaving.

"I know. Let's take a walk." She slipped his hand from her wrist and clasped it firmly.

He hesitated. "I... I don't know if I can walk... I'm drunk..."

The admittance made Shepard smile. "Let's give it a try."

"OK."

She helped pull him up to his feet, but he overshot and toppled into her. Luckily for him, she had amazing balance and kept him steady.

"Sorry..." he apologized.

"You're fine." She patted his back and helped him find some semblance of balance. His arm was around her shoulder in the custom drunk-sober-buddy walk. He still stumbled with nearly ever step.

"Told you I couldn't walk," he grumbled.

"You're doing fine, Kaidan." The amusement was evident in her voice.

"I like it when you use my name."

"I know you do." She held back her laughter.

"Shepard?"

"Yes?"

"You're an amazing woman."

"Thank you." Her cheeks tinged pink again.

"...Beautiful..."

"Hmm?"

"You're beautiful..."

Shepard didn't say anything and quickly looked away, the pink in her cheeks turning brighter. His hand was suddenly on her cheek and turned her to look at him. Before she could even lock eyes with him, Kaidan pressed his lips to hers, catching her completely by surprise. Before she could gather her mind, he stumbled against her and ended up pinning her between him and a wall.

As drunk as he was, his kiss was far from perfect. It was sloppy and reeked of alcohol. Definitely not the best first kiss for two people. Even the tongue that slipped into her mouth tasted of alcohol.

It didn't take much for her to push Kaidan's face off hers, but to keep him his hands from trying to untuck her shirt to get under it was another matter.

"Kaidan," she bit out, trying to get his attention. Her hands fumbled with his larger ones until she finally managed to gather them tightly between hers. "Kaidan." The sternness in her voice was not lost on the Lieutenant.

"Hmm?" He lowered his head on her shoulder and took in a deep breath, taking in the smell of his Commander. He closed his eyes. Never in his life had he felt this comfortable.

Shepard sighed as she looked down at him. "C'mon, Alenko. We need to go."

"I'm comfortable," he muttered.

Shepard smiled at him. "I'm sure you are, but I'm leaving now." She let go of his hands and lifted his face off her shoulder and caught his eyes with hers. "Come with me."

He nodded mutely, unable to deny such a request.

She placed his arm over her shoulders again and led him back towards the _Normandy_.


	13. Hangover

The next day, Kaidan's hangover was god awful. It was different from his migraines which usually started at the back of his head near the base where the implant rested. His head pounded just behind his eyes and temples. He vaguely recalled what happened the night before. Mainly he remembered talking and laughing with the rest of the crew then Shepard making him drink a few canisters of water before leading him back to the barracks.

Shepard.

He buried his face in his hands and groaned. She saw him drunk. He had thought about her most of the night - pining over her really. The rest of the crew had teased him for his crush and all it had done was make him slightly more miserable. There were fraternization rules in the Alliance. If word got out about their feelings for another, who knew where he would be stationed. This was a good crew, the finest he'd ever served with, he didn't want to endanger that.

But Shepard...

God, he was worried about what he said to her or did in front of her. He was 100% positive he had made a fool of himself last night, but the memory was a complete blur.

For now, he pushed the shame to the back of his mind and trudged to the medbay. Dr. Chakwas would have something to help hydrate him a little faster and get rid of this hangover.

As soon as he entered the medbay, he stopped short. Commander Shepard was sitting on one of the beds, talking to the doctor. They both looked up at him.

"Lieutenant," Dr. Chakwas greeted with a smile.

"You look a little rough, Alenko." Shepard smirked at him.

"Well, then I look how I feel," he admitted, rubbing the back of his head.

"Thanks for the check up, Doctor." Shepard slid off the bed and headed towards the door. "Lieutenant." She nodded to him as she passed.

"Commander," he frowned after her, but knew better than to do anything else. If his feelings for Shepard were already noticed by the rest of the ground squads then he was sure the rest of the crew had heard rumors. It wouldn't do to affirm anything.

"Something I can help you with, Lieutenant?" Dr. Chakwas asked as she walked towards her console to record some notes.

"Yeah, You wouldn't have anything for a hangover, would you?"

The doctor smiled knowingly and nodded as she reached down and opened one of the drawers. She pulled out a shot tube and adjusted it. She walked back over towards him and grabbed one of his arms before pressing it against his forearm.

The sting from the shot was nothing compared to the medication he received for his more intense migraines. He nodded his thanks before turning to head out of the room when he stopped short.

"Doctor?"

"Yes, Lieutenant?" She looked up from her console.

"May I ask what the Commander was in here for?"

There was a moment of silence where the Doctor seemed to consider. Finally, she shook her head. "I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but I can't break patient confidentiality."

"Right... sorry." Kaidan nodded to himself and turned to leave.

"It's not a problem, Lieutenant." Chakwas watched him and smiled knowingly to herself. Oh, she had heard the rumors. "Lieutenant?"

"Yeah, Doc?" He paused and turned around.

"I'm sure if you asked the Commander, she'd be more than happy to tell you," she offered.

"Right... thanks." He nodded again.

"Anytime, Lieutenant."

When he stepped out of the medbay he saw Shepard sitting alone in the cafeteria. She was nursing a glass of water while reading a datapad.

"Shepard?" He took a seat next to her.

She looked up. "Yes, Kaidan?"

"I didn't... um... do or say anything that- that I shouldn't have last night? Did I?" he asked, nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

Shepard smiled at him and put down her datapad. "No, Kaidan, you were fine."

"Honestly, I find that hard to believe, ma'am."

She snorted. "Well, you were drunk off your rocker and I practically had to carry you back to the _Normandy_, but otherwise, you were just fine," she lied with a shrug.

"Oh... Thank you, ma'am."

"Anytime, Kaidan."

He liked it when she said his name.

"Shepard?"

"Yes, Kaidan?"

"Why were you visiting Dr. Chakwas?" Shepard visibly hesitated. "Are the headaches getting worse?"

"No- Not really..." She sighed and placed her water on the table now too. "It's the Cipher," she confessed. "Now that the vision makes more sense, I'm having even more trouble sleeping."

"I guess it's hard to sleep when you've witnessed the entire destruction of another race."

"Definitely doesn't help."


	14. Ash's Death

Virmire.

Kaidan was racked with guilt. He had lost fellow soldiers before but never one under his command. He was responsible for her.

Oh, god... her family.

How was he suppose to explain what happened to her family? It was between either him or her and their Commander chose him. And when they asked why, was he suppose to tell them that their Commander had feelings for him? He let his head fall against the console with a thud.

He didn't know what to do.

The sound of hurried footsteps made him glance up. Shepard was practically speed walking towards her quarters.

Kaidan glanced around to see all the other Alliance soldiers too occupied in their duties to notice. While no one was paying attention, he slipped away from his station and headed towards her quarters. He knocked on the door with no answer.

"Commander, it's Lieutenant Alenko." He prayed that identifying himself would help prompt her to let him in.

As if his prayers were answered, the door slid up and revealed an exhausted looking Shepard. She motioned for him to come in and closed the door behind him.

"Commander, are you OK?"

"I'm fine," she clipped as she headed towards her desk and snatched a datapad.

"Shepard," he took a few steps towards her, then hesitated. He wasn't sure what to do or say. Shepard was always the one with the answers. She was the one who said things to make him feel better about the hard situations.

She sighed and lowered the datapad before looking back at him. "I'm sorry, I just... I've informed many soldiers' families about their deaths before, but Ash... I haven't figured out how to tell them yet."

"I've been trying to figure that out too." He placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Kaidan... I know what I said, about how it wasn't our fault that she died, that it was Saren's."

"It was Saren's."

"I know, but... I had the chance to save her, but I didn't because..."

"Because of your feelings for me..."

"Yeah... but then I think about how if it were reversed... if I had saved her instead and I just – I can't... God, Kaidan! I-I'm just relieved that it wasn't you and I feel... I feel horrible that I'm relieved... I just – I can't -"

"Shepard!" Kaidan grabbed her shoulders. "I'm thankful that you saved my life. You were forced to make a choice and you made one. Whether or not it was the right one, no one can say. But nobody can blame you for having to make a decision like that."

"Her family can."

"Her family understands the risks that came with her being an Alliance soldier. She died a hero."

"I know..." Shepard's gaze stuck to his chest and she sighed. Slowly, her eyes closed and her head fell forward, resting just below his chin. "I'm glad you're here," she muttered.

Kaidan let his hand rub up and down her back soothingly. He involuntarily took in her smell. She smelled of grapefruit. A strange thing to associate with her, but a good one none the less. "So am I," he admitted quietly and rested his chin on the top of her head.

The two stood there silently, neither moving to cross the line, but neither willing to part just yet.


	15. The Week

AN: This chapter does contain a scene NSFW. For those of you who would rather not read anything sexual, I have it sectioned of between lines. Once you see the first line, the scene begins. The second line means it has come to an end. The lines after the first two are merely to separate different scenes of this chapter. The only scene NSFW is between the first two lines. I will admit I have never written this type of scene before and actually find it rather... strange to put it on paper like this. Because of this it may feel a little rushed... This is the only NSFW scene I have planned to write in this story (though there is another I am considering putting in, but am thinking of just letting it be implied).

* * *

Shepard tried to remember the last time she was this nervous. Ever since Elysium and her N7 training, she found herself more able to go with the flow when situations went wrong or when she was suddenly in the spotlight (a place she had never been until Elysium).

This wasn't a situation that had gone out of control or a sudden meeting with a political figure who invited her and hundreds of paparazzi over to dinner, trying to look good for elections. This was a situation of her own making. And unlike the others, this was one she was looking forward to.

Maybe that was why she was so nervous. She couldn't remember looking forward to something as much as she was looking forward to this. Ever.

She smiled politely as she walked to the front desk. "Reservation for Shenko." She had to hold down the smile as she said it. They had tried to figure out what to put the reservation under without alerting media or their superiors. They had gone over one too many fake names when Joker, who had been listening in over the speakers apparently, finally told them to just combine their 'damn names'.

Shepard liked to not think about what Joker was hoping to 'listen in on' that night.

Pervert.

"Yes, here we are." The Asari smiled brightly at her and handed her a room key. "Looks like you're the first to arrive."

"Oh?" Shepard blinked in surprise at that. Kaidan should have beaten her here by several hours at least.

"Your room is on the tenth floor. Do you need someone to escort you?" The Asari completely ignored her confusion.

"No, I think I got it. Thank you." Shepard swung her bag over her shoulder and briskly walked into the elevator. Inwardly, she let out a sigh of relief when no one joined her in the confined space. She definitely did not want attention this week.

Politically, it could be bad.

As soon as the elevator came to a stop, Shepard was out and on her way to her room. As the Asari at the desk had said, no one else was there. Shepard sighed and dropped her duffel on the bed. She glanced around, absorbing the room's layout before heading towards the gigantic window that made up an entire wall. Shepard couldn't hold down the smile and shook her head.

Kaidan really went all out on this room.

Of course, Shepard had offered to pay her half, but he had refused. He said she needed a vacation and he wanted to do this for her. It was a little too old-fashioned for her, but it was Kaidan. If it made him happy to do something nice for her, she wasn't going to argue.

Her eyes roamed over the beautiful white sand beach outside her window. It was definitely a sight. She turned away from the window and headed towards her duffel bag when the door to the room opened and in walked in a slightly flustered Kaidan.

They both froze and stared at each other.

"Hi," she greeted first.

"Hi," he gave her a small smile before closing the door behind him. He rubbed the back of his neck, nervously. "Sorry I'm late. I uh... ran into some old... acquaintances. You uh... been here long?"

"No, I just got here," she motioned to the duffel bag lying carelessly on the king size bed. She glanced away from him.

The tension in the room was thick. It was definitely odd.

"So... how'd the debriefing with Alliance Command go?" Kaidan placed his duffel bag on the bed next to hers.

"As good as could be expected." Shepard shrugged. "They still don't believe Sovereign was a Reaper, or even that Reapers exist, but they're willing to let me lead an investigation into it."

"Well, I guess that's something."

"Yeah..."

There was a small moment of silence which felt like it lasted forever.

"This is ridiculous. Shep- _Faye_, we're here on vacation. Just the two of us. This shouldn't be awkward." He closed the distance between them and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"Agreed. So what do you suggest we do to ease the tension?"

"Well... I have a few ideas." The tone in his voice was layered with suggestion and Shepard couldn't help but smile.  
"Oh, do you? I couldn't imagine what those could be."

She placed her hands on his shirt and closed the gap between them with a single step. Her hips pressed against his and his hands slid from her shoulders to around her waist, pressing her more firmly against him. Their faces were close enough they could feel the heat of each other's breath, but neither made the move to close the gap. Instead, Shepard's hands traveled down his torso and untucked his shirt. She pulled it over his head. His hands immediately went back around her waist and grabbed at the hem of her shirt. He pulled her shirt up and over her head before bringing her back to his chest. One of his hands buried itself in her hair and tilted her head back. His lips pressed against the underside of her chin and traced along her jaw. He went down her neck while maneuvering her towards the direction of the bed. They both collapsed on it when the the back of her knees hit the edge.

* * *

Now on top of her, Kaidan slowly sat back and stared at a shirtless Faye with her legs wrapped around his waist. He couldn't help but groan as the tightness of his pants pressed between her legs. His hands trailed up her waist to her bra covered breasts. "God, you're beautiful," he muttered, taking pleasure in the blush on her cheeks as he leaned down and brushed his lips against hers while his hands slipped her bra straps off her shoulders.

Shepard arched her back and reached behind herself to unhook her bra. Kaidan couldn't help but smirk as he pulled the garment off and tossed it across the room.

Before Kaidan could focus on her breasts like he wanted, she flipped him on his back and straddled him. She smiled down at him, her hands trailing down his chest, past his abs, and to the edge of his pants. "I think we should get rid of these." She grinned devilishly at him and unbuttoned them. She slipped herself between his legs and slid off the edge of the bed, dragging his pants down with her. She frowned when they gathered around his boots and quickly unlaced and threw off the offending footwear. She looked back up to see Kaidan had propped himself on his elbows. His gaze was heated and intense. Shepard's eyes left his and went to the hard member in front of her, still covered by his boxers. She glanced back at him and took in a heavy breath as her hands grabbed the hem and pulled them over his member and slid them off his legs. Her hands slid back up his thighs and gathered around his base. His head fell back with a groan as she caressed and teased him with her hands and fingers. It was when he felt the warmth of her mouth envelop him that his mind spun. It took every ounce of self-control he had to reach out and pull her away from him.

"Faye," he ground out, his hand caressing her cheek, "you drive me insane enough as it is."

His hands curled around her elbows and helped bring her to her feet. Still sitting on the bed, he undid her pants and pulled them, along with her underwear, down past her hips. She stepped out of them and moved towards the bed, but his hands on her hips stopped her. He pulled her closer to him, his lips caressing the skin around her bellybutton. One of his hands slid from her hip to squeeze her ass, while the other slipped between her thighs. Shepard took in a sharp breath as his fingers teased around her folds before finding and caressing the nub. Shepard's gasp, made him chuckle in approval as her hips instinctively squirmed against his hands. He slid off the bed and on his knees, lifting one of her legs up and over his shoulder to allow him better access. With nothing else to steady herself on, Shepard was forced to depend on Kaidan's hands on her hips and placed her hands on his shoulders. She gasped as his tongue swirled, flicked, and twisted around her experimentally. Her eyes closed tightly and her head fell forward as every coherent thought left her. As her pleasure built, her leg tightened over his shoulder, the heel of her foot pressing between his shoulder blades.

"Kaidan," she whimpered.

"Hhmmm?" he hummed in response, earning a small gasp from her.

"W-Wait," she begged, her fingers curling in his hair.

Kaidan pulled away and looked up at her. He barely paid any mind as she slid her thigh off his shoulder. He wiped at his mouth and pushed himself back up to his feet. His hands secured themselves on her hips, pressing them against his own. Shepard let her forehead fall against his and whimpered quietly again. "Please..." she begged, her own hips rocking gently against his.

Without another word, Kaidan pressed his lips against hers before laying her on the bed. He pulled back from her to place his hand along the base of his member and help guide himself into her. Shepard's head fell back with a low moan as he pushed inside. Her legs wrapped around his waist and she squirmed against him when he didn't move like she wanted.

"Kaidan," she begged again, whimpering when he chuckled at her insistence.

Originally, he had just been savoring the feel of her around him, but now he was savoring her desperation for him. He leaned down and kissed her before slowly rotating his hips. As she took a breath at the relief of having him finally move, he took the opportunity to explore her mouth further. Both of their movements were slow and experimental. They were trying to figure out what the other liked. It didn't take long for either of them to find an agreeable rhythm and their hands continued to caress and massage each other.

The tempo began to pick up as their pleasure built. Shepard's back arched and her hips rocked in response to each of his thrusts. Her nails dug into his shoulder blades while he buried his face in the crook of her neck, kissing and nibbling at the sensitive skin. Her breath became ragged and his grunts became lower.

"Shit!" Shepard gasped out as he flipped them over so that she was now on top.

Kaidan merely chuckled at her, his hands sliding up her torso and cupping her bare breasts. "Damn," he muttered to himself before pushing himself up in a seated position and taking one of the nubs into his mouth.

Shepard took in a sharp breath as he rolled it between his teeth and buried her hands in his hair. Placing her weight on knees, Shepard began to slowly rotate her hips against him. He groaned around her nipple at the teasing, his hands suddenly grabbing her hips to stop her. She placed her hands over his and slowly began riding him in purposeful strokes. He leaned forward, his head between her breasts, and moaned out her name in a low rumble.

Steadily and deliberately, Shepard began picking up the rhythm, her own eyes closed tightly in concentration. As the pleasure for both built up, Kaidan leaned back on the palm of his hands and bent his knees behind her, giving him more leverage and control. Faye fell forward to her hands as he continued to thrust against her. At this point, Shepard was practically bouncing on top of him and her moans grew louder.

Finally, Shepard couldn't hold it in anymore and her body shook with an orgasm that shocked through her entire body. She practically collapsed on Kaidan, her cheek on his chest, and her breathing now deep as she tried to get her heartbeat back under control.

"Faye," he muttered, his palm pressing against her face. "We're not done yet."

Slowly, Shepard pushed herself back on her hands and stared down at his eyes. His gaze was so intense that if it were anyone else, Shepard would have found herself feeling slightly uncomfortable. Slowly, she began to rock her hips against his, understanding that he had yet to finish. His own hips thrust up into her, increasing the pace she had originally set. Once she met his pace, his hands reached out and grabbed her hips in a bruising hold. He ground his teeth together as he hit the cusp of pleasure. He thrust once more, rolling over it and groaned, his abdominal muscles flexing, before falling back on the bed, Shepard with him.

* * *

The two laid there for a moment in silence, just basking in the after effects of their actions.

Shepard sighed and rolled off him, letting the open air cool her sweating skin. She let out a small laugh and rolled her eyes towards him to see him looking at her curiously.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I think we eased the tension," she joked with a smirk.

Kaidan couldn't help but chuckle. "Yeah, I guess we did." He rolled on his side and wrapped an arm her waist. He gently pecked her on the lips before pulling her to him so her back was to his chest. "I'm glad we decided to do this."

"Me too," she murmured as her eyes slid closed. "I haven't felt this relaxed in ages."

Kaidan smiled at the comment before reaching behind him and grabbing the edge of the sheet. He pulled it over the two of them, knowing full well that she was falling asleep.

She shifted against him, snuggling deeper into the covers. It didn't take long for her to drift off and Kaidan soon followed after.

* * *

They were the only couple sitting in a dinning room lit only by candles. He was dressed in a very nice and sexy suit while she... well, she hadn't packed a dress. In fact, she didn't even own one. Kaidan actually had the gumption to go out and buy one for her.

When she had woken up after 'easing the tension,' Kaidan hadn't been there. She had tried to get a hold of him, but he hadn't answered his comm. When he came back a few minutes later, he returned with a long, sleeveless, blue dress with a flattering scoop neckline and a pair of matching shoes. Apparently, he had something planned for them that night.

It was strange for Shepard. Romance had never been a big thing for her. In fact, it usually made her feel extremely awkward, but with Kaidan... well, it helped that he was a big giant romantic anyway. He enjoyed creating those moments, especially when it made her cheeks turn colors and put her at a loss for words.

He was the only one who could do that – make her speechless.

What was so strange about it was that she was enjoying it. The smug look on his face when her face burned was probably one of his sexiest facial expressions.

Kaidan chuckled at her before taking a sip of his champagne. "You know, I don't think I've ever seen you blush as much as you are tonight."

Picking up her own glass, Shepard threw him an accusing look. "Well, if you'd stop trying to make me blush, it might help."

"True," he agreed with a slight nod, but his eyes stayed connected to her's and his smug expression was still there. "But I won't." He reached across the table and slipped his hand over hers. "It's too cute."

Shepard sipped her champagne before setting it back down and raising an eyebrow. "Cute, huh?"

"Cute," he confirmed. He lifted her hand and kissed the back of it.

Her cheeks heated at the action.

Kaidan chuckled. "You haven't done this very much, have you?"

"Haven't done what?" she asked, truly curious.

"This." He motioned around the empty dining room. "Have a romantic meal with someone. Or take a romantic vacation."

"I-uh..." Shepard cleared her throat uncomfortably. How was it that he was able to make her stomach flutter nervously or make her feel like she was an inexperienced school girl? It was completely unprecedented. But his question was a valid one. "No, actually." She paused. "Never."

"_Never_?" He was completely shocked.

Shepard just shook her head.

"I find that hard to believe." He laced his fingers between hers and propped both his and her arm on their elbows. He brushed his thumb against her hand. "No one has ever just sat you down to have dinner?"

"Sure, they have just..." she trailed off and looked around the room, "...not like this." She turned her eyes back to him.

"Like what?"

Shepard paused and stared at him incredulously. "Really?"

"What?"

"Let me put it this way," Shepard leaned forward on the table, as if it would help make her point. "I've never even owned a dress before, let alone dressed up like this. I've never had a candle lit dinner. I've never gone away with someone for an entire week." She paused, wondering whether or not she should continue. With a deep breath, she dove. "And I've never been so nervous."

Kaidan smiled at that and brought her hand to his mouth again, kissing the individual fingers. They had finished their meals a while ago and had just spent the last hour talking and teasing each other. "Let's go."  
"Oh?" Shepard rose an eyebrow, clearly showing she knew exactly where he had in mind. She smirked slightly and leaned in a little closer. "Sounds good to me."

Kaidan chuckled and shook his head. "No, not back to our room."

Her smile instantly disappeared and she narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "Then where?"  
He didn't say a word. He just stood up and pulled her to her feet, before silently leading her outside. The sound of the nearby ocean hitting the shore was surprisingly soothing. He pulled her towards the ocean, his hand dropping hers to wrap around her waist. He swung her around so her chest was pressed against his. If there was one thing Kaidan was a master at, it was the intense stare. Her heart felt like it was pounding and she was sure he could feel it against his chest. When he ran his hand through her hair, her stomach fluttered and her eyes slid close. She took in a deep breath, trying to steady herself, but it failed when his warm hand brushed down her neck to her collar-bone and rested on her shoulder. She felt the heat of his breath before the brush of his lips. She let her hands travel up his chest to his neck as the kiss deepened and his arms around her waist tightened.

He pulled back, his forehead pressing against hers, his breath heavy. "I am a lucky man."

* * *

Shepard couldn't help the laugh that slipped out of her. "Stop!" she shouted as she tried to squirm out of bed and away from his grasp.

Kaidan was laughing hard at her reaction, but didn't for a second try to let up. His grip on her waist tightened and he swung her over to his other side on the bed, his fingers now finding a new place to dig in her sides. The half scream half laugh that she burst out of her mouth was the indication that he had found the spot.

"KAIDAN!" she screamed and squirmed when he continued to dig his fingers in.

When she finally escaped his grasp, she jumped out of the bed and practically jumped to the other side of the bedroom. She glared at him before holding up one finger. "Don't you even think about it!"

By the time she'd finished the sentence, Kaidan was already on his feet with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. When he took a step forward, she took a jump back and side stepped. The two stared at each other in a stand off. Finally, Kaidan lunged forward and Shepard quickly side stepped, the edge of her pants just slipping out of his finger's grasp, but he quickly recovered and a finger from his other hand hooked in her belt loop. He slingshot her back to him and swung her over his shoulder, his hand squeezing that spot right above her hip. She squealed and kicked her feet, the tip of her barefoot flying into his abdomen. Luckily, she didn't kick hard enough to make him keel. He spun in a circle, making her tightly grip the back of his shirt. He used the momentum and threw her on the bed, falling on top of her, pinning her beneath his weight. When his face was over hers, she lifted her head and pressed her lips to his. When he pulled back, Shepard was smiling up at him. He leaned back down and kissed her slowly, deepening the kiss.

Shepard squealed in his mouth when he squeezed the spot. He rolled off her laughing. She smacked his chest with a half scowl half smile. "Punk!"

Kaidan just laughed again. "The great Commander Shepard is ticklish! How can I pass that up?!"

Shepard rolled on her side and stared at him, her head cocked to the side, a huge smile on her face.

He stayed on his back and rolled his head towards her. "What?"

"Nothing." Shepard shook her head, but then paused, as if debating on actually giving him a real answer.

"Shepard," he started, shifting on his side to get a better view of her, "what is it?"

"I just..." Shepard paused and gave him a small smile. She had thought this since the first day they got here, but had tried to figure out not only how to say it, but if she should. She decided hell with it, it was Kaidan.

"I've never been this happy."


	16. Shepard's Death

The funeral had been two weeks after the attack. All of the surviving members of the _Normandy_ had attended. So did half the Alliance.

It pissed Kaidan off.

Sure, he appreciated that they were showing their respect for her. She was an amazing woman, after all and deserved nothing less. But they pretended as if they had her back the entire time, when he knew better. They hadn't believed her, they allowed the Council to ground her with an invasion pending. Many of them still denied the existence of the Reapers.

And they were here to show their "continued support."

As far as Kaidan was concerned, the only people who should have been there were her mother, the _Normandy_ crew, Anderson, and Hackett. Nobody else had any business.

Hell, truth be told, no one had any business being there. He was pissed that they had just stopped searching. It was Shepard. She had survived Elysium, held top records in the N7 program, was the first Human Spectre, and made it to Ilos. Shepard wasn't just a fighter, she was a survivor.

Part of him had to admit it was highly unlikely that Shepard was alive. If she was, he knew she'd have found some way to contact them at the very least. She was nothing if not resourceful, but...

But he couldn't just give up.

He somehow managed to talk Councilor Anderson and Admiral Hackett into allowing him two weeks of shore leave. Bereavement, he'd said, though he hadn't revealed their personal relationship. He didn't want to put a black mark on her record. Sleeping with a subordinate was a definite breach in protocol, never mind the fact that they had originally been... well... he wasn't sure what the _Normandy_ crew had been when they ran to Ilos, but they were technically renegades he guessed. However during that week of shore leave with her... they had definitely been Alliance.

While he didn't want her to have that blemish on her record, he also didn't regret that week.

She said she had never been that happy.

Neither had he.

So he searched. He followed every rumor that he came across. That she went rogue and became a mercenary, that she was amnesic and walking around Tuchanka, or was working an undercover operation for the Alliance or the Council.

And of course there were many that he didn't follow from the sheer ridiculousness of them. Like how she ran away to be with her Turian lover, how the Geth were searching for her remains, or that she had PTSD, had a breakdown, and had to be locked up.

Of course, he'd found nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Shepard was gone.

He was alone.

Again.


	17. Waking Up In Bed With Cerberus

Shepard sighed as she took the elevator to the Loft on the first floor. According to the AI, EDI, this was her cabin. Already she had some reservations about this room. For one, it was the only room on the entire floor. Not to mention that Cerberus had already taken some liberties with most of the original ship design. Like Joker's leather seats. OK, so that was a petty little thing, but she couldn't help it. She just didn't trust them.

When the elevator came to a stop and opened, Shepard frowned and stepped out into the small... what was it called? Lobby? Hall? Foyer? She shook her head. Once again, concentrating on the insignificant. She opened the door and walked into the room. She stopped short on the other side of the door. She blinked in surprise.

It was huge!  
The workspace on her right was about the same size as her cabin on the original _Normandy_. And she definitely didn't have any kind of aquarium before, let alone one that filled an entire wall. She didn't even like fish. Well, she never really paid attention to them before... she had a feeling that she was going to start noticing them at stores now.

She shook her head and walked further in. She walked down the two steps with a scowl. Two steps in the room? Really? Didn't really make sense to her, but whatever.

The couch and table immediately on her right caught her eye and she stared at it for a moment. That wasn't a bad idea actually. She could invite a squad member up and have a conversation with them in a more comfortable and private setting.

She shook her head quickly.

Shit, she was starting to see their side of the new setup.

Her eyes landed on the rather large bed and she paused, considering her next actions carefully. She took a timid step towards it. It had been weeks since she had laid in comfortable bed.

An image of Kaidan lying on the bed flashed through her mind. She quickly swallowed the lump in her throat and sat down on it. She felt herself sink into the mattress and had to fight the urge to lay back on the bed. Though honestly, it wasn't nearly as tempting as she thought it would be.

She sighed and glanced around the Loft.

She couldn't help but wonder what Kaidan would think of all this. Mainly because she still wasn't sure what she thought of all this. Of course, her first order of business was to collect the Salarian scientist, Archangel, and the mercenary Zaeed, but after that, she was going to see Anderson. She was sure he could do something for her. After all, she was Alliance first and foremost. He wouldn't stonewall her or let the Alliance or the Council turn their backs on her. She trusted him and he had never let her down before.

Once she got to the Citadel and spoke with Anderson and Kaidan, things would be back to normal. She'd still investigate the Human abductions, just with an Alliance banner instead of Cerberus.

Until then, she'd play ball.

The Alliance was her home.


	18. Rumors

There were rumors, but then there were always rumors. For the first few months after her death, Kaidan chased down every possible rumor only to come up empty handed. He had burnt himself out of any kind of hope.

Then these other rumors began popping up more recently. They were the most disturbing of all the others. It had gotten to the point where he had even approached Councilor Anderson about them. Normally, Anderson would look at him sympathetically and deny such rumors. This time... this time Anderson had told him that he was still waiting for confirmation on the rumors, but not to build up any hope. After all, it had been two years.

So why was he so... worried?

Yes, he was worried. Worried that it was true. There was no way that Shepard had defected from the Alliance and left to join Cerberus two years ago. That wasn't the woman he knew. She was a Spacer. She was practically born into the Alliance. She had said so herself. It had never made any sense for her to not join. It was her life.

He didn't know what it was that made him so worried. Could it be because these rumors were different than the others?

Sure, there were the ones that claimed she had gone rogue and became a mercenary. There had even been claims that she was working an under cover mission for the Council or the Alliance, but the ones for Cerberus were too specific.

There were claims of her and Cerberus agents on Freedom's Progress and Omega. There were claims of her recruiting aliens for some mission.

It was very disconcerting.

Kaidan's omni tool lit up as a message was sent through. It was from Councilor Anderson with a special assignment.

Looked like he was going to Horizon in the Terminus Systems.

He was going to be inspecting Cerberus' connections to missing colonists.

He had a bad feeling about this.


	19. Jack's Curiosity

Well, that hadn't gone well at all.

Ever since Shepard had woken up on a Cerberus base and learned she had been gone for two years, she imagined and even – dare she say – fantasized about her reunion with Kaidan. Sure, the idea he'd be angry had occurred to her, but he had always been so calm and level-headed. She had thought it would end relatively well. Or at least better than it had. He was just being stubborn. Not that it was surprising to her. He was surprisingly stubborn, something she hadn't learned until after Sovereign during their week of shore leave.

She smiled as she thought about that week. It had been a long time since she had that much fun...

"Shepard, you OK?"

The concerned voice of her Turian friend shook her out of her thoughts. Her first instinct was to respond that she was fine, especially with Jack present in the shuttle, but they both witnessed the argument. So, she responded truthfully, "I'll be fine, Garrus."

"Just give him some time," Garrus advised. "He'll come around."

Shepard gave a small smile, but she knew better. So did Garrus. As long as she had connections to Cerberus, he wouldn't 'come around.'

* * *

"So who exactly was the boy scout?" Jack spoke up, her arms crossed over her chest.

"Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko. He was part of the original _Normandy_ crew, along with Garrus, Joker, and Dr. Chakwas," Shepard answered quickly.

Jack rose an eyebrow, but just nodded. "OK." She may be tactless and loud, but she was definitely smart. She knew better than to press the subject.

"All right, so what's the deal with Shep and the boy scout?" Jack's question caught Garrus by surprise, mainly because he hadn't heard her come in. Calibrations had him distracted.

"She told you. He was part of the original _Normandy_ crew," Garrus sighed and turned back to his calibrations.

Jack slammed her hand on the panel, startling Garrus and making him jump. "Bullshit!" She glared at him. "They bumped uglies, didn't they?"

Garrus made a face. "Bumped uglies?"

"They fucked."

Garrus stared at her for a second before shrugging. "Why do you care, Jack?"

"I don't!" She seemed offended at the notion, but her abrupt answer told the truth. "Shepard seems to have some kind of stick up her ass and I was just curious if the boyscout put it up there."

Garrus sighed again and shook his head. It was true though. Shepard had been wound a little more tightly than usual since she found him on Omega. Strange, since she wasn't held by the same regulations that she was when she was with the Alliance.

"It's not Kaidan."

"Then what the hell is it?!"

Garrus had to stare at her for a moment before he realized what was really going on. Yes, Jack had been curious about Kaidan, but not for the reason he thought. "How much do you know about the Commander?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. Just what I've read in the files. First Human Spectre who saved the Citadel from Saren. Some Alliance defect."

"She didn't defect." Garrus felt himself bristle at the accusation, as innocent as it was. The idea that Shepard would abandon her loyalties was insulting.

"Whatever," Jack waved it off, apparently not too concerned with the details.

"Commander Shepard is a Spacer." When Jack crossed her arms in irritation, Garrus realized she had no idea what that meant. "Both her parents were Alliance. She was practically born into it. Over two years ago, she received a vision of the Prothean's demise."

Jack nodded, knowing this part of the story from the files and debriefings. "The Reapers."

"Right." He nodded. "During our mission, we ran across Cerberus a few times." Jack straightened at that. "We saw first hand the brutal experiments they were running. On the Rachni, on Thorian creepers-"

"On what?" Jack frowned, that latter reference not ringing any bells.

"Uh..." Garrus frowned, not exactly sure how to explain that one. "Just another rare alien species." Jack nodded, taking that as enough explanation. "Anyway, the last base we came across, she found the body of a fellow Alliance soldier, Admiral Kahoku. She was rather pissed."

"OK, so what does this have to do with the stick up her ass?" Jack scowled.

"She hates Cerberus," he stated.

"So why's she working for them?" The question was hard and angered.

"She's not working for them," Garrus defended, knowing Shepard had a distinct dislike for that phrase. She preferred 'with them.'

"Could have fooled me," Jack scoffed.

"Her ship was attacked by Collectors. She woke up two years later in a Cerberus base. Everyone else thought she had died, me included. She tried to go back to the Alliance, but they either didn't trust that she was the real Commander Shepard or they believed she had defected. Same thing with the Council and her Spectre position," he spoke quickly,finding himself more annoyed with Jack's uncaring attitude.

"She's still a Spectre," she pointed out.

"Only on the agreement that she stays out in the Terminus systems." Garrus sighed. "Look, Shepard saw first hand what threat the Reapers pose on the entire galaxy through that vision. Her first priority is to take them down. Unfortunately, she needs a ship, a crew, and funds for that. Cerberus is the only organization that's willing to assist her."

"Uh-huh." Jack shook her head in annoyance. "Cerberus is gonna screw her over and there are gonna be _huge_ consequences to her actions with them now. She's gonna regret working for them." She held up a hand to stop Garrus from correcting her. "And no matter what she says, she _is_ working _for_ them. Whether or not she wants to believe it."

Without waiting for him to response, Jack turned on her heal and marched out of the room, leaving Garrus alone. He looked down at his console, his thoughts zooming.

Was Jack right?

No.

Garrus shook his head. He knew the Commander too well. She had a strict moral compass and wouldn't divert that for anyone, not even the organization that saved her life, not even to destroy the Reapers.

Her actions would continue as they have always been, regardless of Cerberus' opinions.


	20. Horizon

He wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't seen it himself. If he hadn't seen her.

Kaidan ran his hand through his hair and let his head fall forward. It was true. All of it. She was working for Cerberus. Garrus had been there along with some woman covered in tattoos. He hadn't really paid her any mind, just some Cerberus lackey he was sure.

She'd been in a coma, she said.

She'd been stonewalled.

She didn't want to hurt him.

She missed him.

He threw a burst of biotic energy at the dresser. The sound of a crash made his heart stop. He knew what he'd just broken. He stood up and slowly made his way to the broken picture frame, the glass scattered around it. He picked it up.

The image was one they had taken during that week of shore leave. It had been after she told him she'd never been happier. They were laying in bed, his hand holding the camera above them. She was staring at him with a smile on her face, both their hair disheveled from the tickle fight.

That couldn't have been the same woman he ran into on Horizon... it just couldn't... could it?

Kaidan sighed and placed the broken picture back on the dresser. He glanced down at the glass and debated on whether or not to clean it up. Knowing it would bug him if he didn't, he knelt down and picked up the glass. He tossed it in the trash before glancing back at the broken image.

The symbolism wasn't lost on him.

If she was the real Shepard, if she was the woman he loved, didn't he at least owe her a chance to prove it?

He shook his head.

Two years.

He was mad at her. Hell, he was pissed. Did she understand how hard it was for him to get over her?! Probably not. Hell, now he doubted whether he had ever truly been over her. Probably not. Shepard wasn't someone you just got over it, but he had been moving on. Now he felt... stuck.

This was worse than her dying. If he had lost her to some uncontrollable force, then he could accept it. But that she chose to leave...

But she said she hadn't had a choice.

Did he believe her?

Two years is a long time to be gone.

He hadn't even known her for two years before she died.

God, he had to stop thinking about her!

But that hurt look on her face when he accused her of working for Cerberus and betraying the Alliance. It was haunting him. Or more precisely, her eyes were haunting him. They were the same haunting blue. But the scars above her eye and on her chin were gone. If those were gone, he'd bet all those scars he'd spent time mapping out in bed two years ago were gone too.

He didn't know what to do.

He felt bad, guilty even, for the way he left things.

Maybe they could...

No.

He doubted they could ever have what they had before, even if it was the Shepard he knew. The last two years had changed him too much.

His eyes turned to his work space. He let out a breath before walking over. He needed to do something. Maybe it would be giving her false hope, but maybe she needed some hope. Maybe he needed some hope too.


	21. Thane Krios

Thane Krios.

He was nothing like Shepard expected, especially for an assassin. He was spiritual, calm, and honest. He was also very lonely. It didn't take a psychiatrist to notice. Even though Shepard always made it a point to get to know her crew individually, she found herself wanting to talk to him on a more personal level. She knew what it was like to be lonely...

Shepard didn't know what to do. For the most part, she pushed it in the back of her mind and kept busy, and it seemed to work. That is, until she'd go to the Loft, see Kaidan's picture, and feel that horrible twist in her gut.

It had been two years for him. He had moved on with his life, as he should have. For her, it had only been a few months since the _Normandy_, a few weeks since Horizon, but... she needed to move on now too. And that train of thought always led to her entertaining thoughts about Thane.

He was a good man and part of her was extremely curious. He was Drell, she was Human. Could it work? Would it be awkward or feel like nothing she ever experienced?

Then she would kick herself.

Only a few weeks had passed and she still wondered what Kaidan would say if he was there on her ground team. That was a sign that it was too soon for her. She still hurt over Kaidan's rejection and as much as she would love to lose herself in Thane, it wasn't fair to him. Or Kaidan. Hell, it wasn't fair to her either.

But how many things in her life were fair? She was half tempted to say 'Fuck fair' and lose herself in the enigmatic Thane. But all she really had now was herself. It was the only thing she could hold onto right now.

Then there was the letter. It was only a few days after Horizon when it appeared in her inbox. It gave her hope that she immediately tried to push back down, but the damage was done. The notion that he could move past what happened was a comforting thought, but she knew better than to get her hopes up. After all, nothing was going the way she planned right now.

Hell, she drafted several letters and vid messages to send him, but couldn't seem to find the right words. Plus, she needed to be careful with what she said. She knew full well the Illusive Man was listening and watching her. Also, she couldn't hold back the possibility that whatever she sent him he may hand over to the Alliance. He was a by the book soldier.

Then there was Thane. She did have feelings for him and she was unsure what to do about it. Were they as strong as they were for Kaidan? She wasn't sure. They were definitely different.

Even with Kaidan's letter, she was unsure how he felt about her now. She was unsure if he wanted her to move on or...

She shook her head.

God, sometimes she hated being a woman.

She had a mission to do. She needed to concentrate on that right now. She could sort out issues with Thane and Kaidan later.


	22. Drunk & Confessional

Garrus admitted that Shepard was definitely different than she'd been when she was with the Alliance. And not in the way he expected. With no more Alliance regulations for her to be forced to follow, he expected a more laid back Commander, but instead, she seemed to be even more uptight than ever. She still followed Alliance regs even though the brass was no longer looking over her shoulder. She even continued to write her reports and transmit what she could to Alliance officials.

He understood immediately that she was trying to win back their trust and prove to them that she was the same Commander they had lost two years ago. She didn't want to work for Cerberus, that much was obvious. Scratch that. She didn't want to work _with_ Cerberus. She was always quick to point out that difference.

That all being said, ever since she ran into Kaidan on Horizon, she had secluded herself even more from the crew and followed Alliance regulations more strictly than ever.

Garrus may not have been Human, but he had enough insight into Shepard to see that this was no longer about proving herself to the Alliance, but proving herself to Kaidan.

So when Joker called him over the intercom, interrupting his calibrations, with a special request that needed to be kept quiet from the rest of the crew, Garrus was shocked.

They had returned to Omega to get some supplies and Shepard had ordered the crew to stay at least two together while she had wandered off somewhere on her own. Apparently, that 'somewhere' was one of Omega's many bars.

In all the time he had known Shepard, he had never seen her drunk. Hell, he had never seen her take so much of a sip of alcohol come to think of it. So seeing her slam back a shot of blue liquid and smacking the glass back on the bar was quite shocking.

"Shepard?" Garrus slipped on the stool next to her.

She didn't even glance at him, just motioned for the bartender to give her another. Garrus was beginning to wonder if she even knew he was there, but then she started speaking.

"I can't do this, Garrus..." she muttered.

"You defeated Sovereign, Saren, and the Geth. You can defeat the Collectors," he assured.

Shepard looked up from her drink and stared at him like he'd grown a second head. "I know _that,_" she scoffed. He watched as she comically rolled her eyes, an action he'd seen many humans do when they were annoyed. "I'm talking about Cerberus, Einstein."

Garrus ignored whatever it was she called him. He was sure it was a Human thing anyway. "Ah!"

"Don't 'Ah!' me!" She shot him a glare before shooting back some more blue liquid. She cleared her throat and blinked her eyes rapidly. "Wow, that one was strong..." she muttered and shook her head. She turned her attention back to Garrus who was just staring at her. "Cerberus is ran by a group of terrors... terrorts... terrisss... you know what I mean." She waved her hand dismissively before she waved at the bartender to give her another drink. "I can't believe I'm working for them..." she muttered.

"Not for them, Shepard. _With_ them." Garrus clarified.

Shepard shook her head. "No, _for_ them, Garrus." She sighed. "I know I keep saying 'with', but... who am I kidding?"

"Shepard, if you were working _for_ the Illusive Man, I doubt you would have ripped him a new one for what happened on Horizon, the Collector ship, or the dead Reaper," Garrus assured.

Shepard let out a _harumph_ and looked at her new drink before shooting it back. She immediately waved for a new one.

"Shepard, don't you think you've had enough?" Garrus was really worried about what would happen when she stood up. Serving on the _Normandy SR1 _and _Normandy SR2_, he witnessed that Humans were generally less drunk when they were sitting down. It was when they stood up that the alcohol seemed to smack into them. Plus, with how fast she was downing them...  
"Nope." She downed the next one and waved for another.

"Shepard-"

"I miss him, Garrus..." The look she cast her friend made him freeze. He'd only seen that expression on her face once, after Ashley died. He knew exactly who she was talking about too. Hell, he just had to bring up Horizon.

"I know, Shepard." He rested a hand on her shoulder.

Shepard picked up her shot and studied it as if it would give her an answer. Garrus was beginning to wonder if she was planning on drinking it when she threw the liquid down her throat.

"He was so angry with me." She slammed the glass back on the bar and waved for another.

"He had no right to be. He didn't even give you a chance to explain." Garrus held up a hand to keep the bartender from pouring her another drink. He had already lost count of how many she had since he joined her, he didn't want to think about how much she downed before he got there.

"He had every right. He was right about everything! I betrayed everything I stood for because Cerberus saved my life!"

"_No_, Shepard!" Garrus frowned. He had been pissed at Kaidan for saying that to Shepard when he knew better. Sure, Shepard would be grateful to Cerberus for saving her life, but she wouldn't give them a pass on their actions. "You aren't betraying anything. You're first priority is to stop the Reaper invasion that we both know is coming. You've warned the Alliance, you've warned the Council. If Cerberus is the only one willing to help you-"

"Fuck Cerberus!" She glared at him before turning to the bartender. "Can I have another?"

"Shepard, you've had enough." He shook his head to the bartender who merely nodded and walked away. "How many have you had anyway?"

"8 of those. I had 3 of... some other drink earlier." She pouted and leaned against the bar before casting Garrus a look. "I'm not done until I lose count."

"You're done." He slipped off the stool and pulled her off hers. "Let's get you back to the _Normandy_."

"But-"

"C'mon, Shepard."

"I don't wanna," she whined as he led her away from the bar.

Garrus couldn't help but shake his head. Humans acted so strange when drunk. "And why's that?"

"'Cause Cerberus has their cameras a-and their spies and..." She paused and buried her heels in the ground, making Garrus stop too. "And he's not there..." she whispered.

Garrus frowned, but wasn't sure what to say. He was also put off by the fact that her eyes were filling with tears. Spirits, he had a crying Shepard on his hands! How was he suppose to get her on the _Normandy_ with no one noticing her condition now?

That's when Garrus spotted someone he knew he had to keep from seeing her in this condition. There was no way it would be good.

"Shepard, we need to go." He tried to lead her away, but she kept her feet planted in the ground.

"No. I don't want to go back to that – that _place _with the Illusive Man's creepy eyes watching everything we do! What is with his eyes anyway?!"

"Shepa-"

"No! They're _creepy!_ And why is he always smoking?! Is it suppose to be some sort of intimidation tactic or is he just extremely addicted?!"

Garrus fidgeted when Shepard's shouts were drawing unwanted attention. Especially that of a particular someone who was making his way over now.

"Plus he's always sitting alone in that giant empty room with just a chair. Doesn't he ever leave-"

"Shepard?"

Her rant froze at the sound of the familiar gravelly voice. She slowly turned and blinked in surprise at who was standing there. She leaned towards Garrus and asked in a loud whisper. "How drunk am I?"

"Extremely," the Turian answered honestly.

Shepard nodded, as if considering. "So... that's not actually..."

"No, it's really Kaidan."

"Fuck..."

"Yeah."

"That why were you trying to get me back to the ship?"

"Not at first, but yes."

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

Kaidan just rose an eyebrow, having heard the entire conversation. "You're drunk." He had never seen her drunk before. Just more evidence that she had changed.

Shepard's face scrunched up and she shook her head. "Noooo..." When he crossed his arms in disbelief, she hissed. "Yeeaah..." She nodded.

"Right." Kaidan just shook his head. "I'll leave you two to... whatever you were doing." When he turned to leave, Shepard's hand shot out and grabbed his arm.

"Wait!"

"What, Shepard?" he snapped, obviously, still not happy with her.

The tone in his voice made her stop short. "I just..." Her eyes had never seemed so big to him. "I want to talk to you."

"About what, Shepard? How you betrayed the Alliance? How you work for Cerberus? Or how about how you didn't respond to the email I sent you over a month ago?"

Garrus frowned but didn't say anything. Shepard had never mentioned an email.

"I-I-" Shepard stuttered, a strange occurrence.

When she didn't continue, Kaidan just shook his head. "That's what I thought," he scoffed.

Garrus felt his own anger start to bubble. "I've just about had it with your attitude, Alenko." Kaidan turned and stared at Garrus in shock. It wasn't everyday Garrus got ready to yell at someone. "Shepard wasn't even awake for the two years she was missing. The Council _and_ the Alliance abandoned her plus the Reapers are still a threat to the entire galaxy and you want to throw a tantrum because she didn't respond to an _email_?!"

"Garrus-" The warning in Kaidan's tone only served to make the Turian even more angry.

"No. I remember how her death affected you. Now she's back, the one thing you wanted, and this is how you act?!"

"Garrus, stop!" Shepard snapped, elbowing the Turian's chest.

"But Shepard-"

"No! Go back to the ship," she ordered.

"There's no way I'm leaving you alone with him in your condition," he reasoned.

"I'll be fine, now go. I can make my way back to the _Normandy_ on my own."

"But-"

"_GO_!" Shepard pointed towards the exit while glaring at Garrus.

"All right, I'm going. But Shepard," his hand on her shoulder tightened and he made sure he had solid eye contact with her before continued, "you let me know if you need anything."

"I will, Garrus." She nodded and patted his hand.

Kaidan stood there silently, his arms crossed over his chest. He had a deep frown on his face as he and Garrus exchanged looks. He kept his eyes on the Turian as he walked away. "He's gotten protective."

"He's a good friend," she defended.

"Right..." Kaidan just shook his head.

"What is that suppose to mean?" Shepard frowned and crossed her own arms.

"Nothing." He seemed to deflate and shook his head. "It means nothing."

They both stood there in awkward silence.

"You wanna go sit down?" she offered.

He stared at her for a moment before slowly nodding. "Yeah..."

Shepard took one step and stumbled sideways and into the bar. She blinked her eyes rapidly.

"Wow, you really are drunk," Kaidan awed before wrapping an arm around her waist to help steady her. When she leaned her entire body against him, he had to take in a deep breath. That turned out to be a bad idea because he was suddenly submerged in the smell of grapefruit. It all felt too good and too familiar. This was a bad idea. Kaidan cleared his throat and tried to clear his head. He led her towards a nearby table.

"Yeah, well, I work with Cerberus now. The two kind of go hand in hand," she muttered bitterly.

Kaidan couldn't help but snort at that. "Fair enough." He lowered her into a chair and purposely took a seat across the table from her. "So, you wanted to talk."

She looked at him with wide eyes. "Yeah. We kind of left things off on the wrong foot on Horizon."

"Yeah, we did." Kaidan leaned back against the chair and crossed his arms. "Which is why I sent you that email."

"Kaidan..." Shepard sighed.

"Can I get you two a drink?" An Asari stepped towards their table, catching both of their attentions.

"Yes!"

"No," Kaidan disagreed and glared at Shepard. "How much have you had to drink tonight anyway?"

"Not enough," she answered and smiled at the Asari. "I'll take some more of those blue liquid-y shot things."

The Asari merely smiled and nodded before turning to Kaidan. "And you?"

"I'm good, thanks," was Kaidan's nonchalant answer. He never took his eyes off Shepard, even when the Asari left. "This isn't like you."

"Well, apparently, I've changed." She frowned and leaned back in her chair, sending him a glare of her own.

"Yeah, you have," he agreed.

That sat there and stared at each other in silence for a moment. Much to his surprise, Shepard caved first with a heavy sigh. She barely paid any attention to the four shots placed in front of her and leaned forward, placing her arms on the table. "I miss you."

"Shepard, no." His voice stayed stern.

"Kaidan-"

"No, Shepard." He shook his head sharply. "We can talk about the Alliance, the Reapers, Garrus, hell even Cerberus, but I don't want to have _this_ conversation. Not now."

"Then when? _After_ my suicide mission? 'Cause I gotta say, that might be kinda hard!"

"Suicide mission?" Kaidan sat up straight. "What suicide mission?"

"I... I can't talk about it."

"Shepard-"

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I can't talk about it." Her voice was hard and for a moment, he forgot she was drunk.

"OK..." he gave in.

They both sat in another thing of awkward silence. Shepard grabbed one of the shots and downed it.

Kaidan frowned. "Are you sure you should be drinking more? You're already pretty drunk."

"I haven't lost count yet," she defended.

"The most I've ever seen you drink was a glass or two of champagne that week we went away." Shepard hummed and smiled at the mention of that week. She took another shot. "Why are you drinking, Shepard?"

She paused and stared at him as if he had just asked her to explain how biotics worked. She slowly lowered the glass back on the table. "I told you. Me drinking and working for Cerberus kinda go hand in hand."  
"So... you're drinking _because_ you're working for Cerberus."

"Hmm." Shepard nodded. "Kinda wish it was the other way around. It would definitely make more sense."

"Why don't you go back to the Alliance?" he asked.

"I tried. They don't trust me." She looked away from him.

"Because you haven't answered any of their questions," he answered his unasked question of why.

"No, because I won't sit down in a cell for months on end while they ask me endless questions I don't have the answers to. Besides, I have responsibilities," she argued.

"What about your responsibility to the Alliance?" His voice rose.

"My first responsibility is the protection of the galaxy. You know that. It wasn't that long ago you supported me and mutinied." Her voice rose in return.

"That was over two years ago." His voice lowered, but it was obvious that she had made her point.

Shepard paused and looked at him with blinking eyes. "Right..." she grabbed the third shot and threw it down her throat. "I keep forgetting that was two years ago..." She looked down at the empty glass with a frown. "Kaidan?"

"Yeah?"

"I understand that two years is a long time to go and that you've moved on -"

"Shepard-"

"-but I haven't-"

"Don't-"

"I just want to ask you something..."

Kaidan went silent, considering. He finally nodded. "All right. What is it?"

"Do you think we could... just tonight?"

"Could what?" Kaidan narrowed his eyes. He wasn't completely clueless as to what she was suggesting, but he needed to be sure.

Shepard mimicked him and narrowed her eyes. "Don't play dumb. You know what."

"Shepard, you're drunk. I'm not taking advantage of you like this." He shook his head in disbelief.

There was a moment of silence where she rose an eyebrow. "You wouldn't be taking advantage of me."

"Yes, I would. You're not thinking clearly." God, why was she doing this to him?

"I never think clearly when you're around." The line fell out of her mouth before she even realized.

Kaidan stared at her a moment, the corners of his lips tugging up. He shook his head. "... That's cute, Shepard, but it's not gonna work."

"You think I'm cute?" She cocked her head to the side and smiled slightly at him. She leaned against the table. His eyes immediately snapped to her breasts which she practically sat on the surface before snapping his gaze back to her face.

"Shepard..." he warned.

"I'm not asking for... whatever we had before, I understand if that's too much. I just... One moment we were together, then I wake up and it's been _two years_, and you've moved on, but I still remember the week we took like it was just a few weeks ago. I never had the chance to move on. I never... I just miss you, Kaidan."

During her entire speech, Kaidan's jaw was clenched so tightly he almost gave himself a headache. God, he wanted her so badly. He knew why she wanted just one night, he would have given anything for one more night with her after she went MIA, but if he gave in... he'd be stuck in the 'Shepard stupor' he'd been in since the day he met her.

Hell, if he was being honest with himself, he'd been in that stupor again ever since he saw her on Horizon.

God, he _needed_ her.

He snatched the last shot on the table and downed it. He slammed it on the table so hard, Shepard jumped. He popped to his feet, snatched her hand and wrapped an arm around her waist to keep her steady, and quickly led her out of the bar.

He led her through Omega and to the apartment he had rented for the next few weeks while he was working on an assignment for the Alliance. Once they were in the room, he slammed the door shut and slammed his lips on hers in a bruising kiss. Her hands were clumsy with alcohol, but she managed to get his shirt up and over his head. She took in a deep breath as she looked at his bare chest.

"Damn..." she muttered.

"No talking," he growled before pulling her own shirt over her head and pushing her against the wall. He pinned her there with his own body. "Just tonight," he clarified.


	23. The Morning After

When Shepard woke up, her head was pounding and her entire body was sore. Especially between her legs. She rolled over and saw the bare back of a sleeping Kaidan. Last night's events flooded her mind and she held back a groan. What had she been thinking?!

She knew what sh'd been thinking. She'd been thinking of Kaidan and then when he actually shown up, she thought of that week. She practically begged him to have sex with her and he tried to resist until he finally caved. God knew how much she had just screwed with his head, but it may have also been therapeutic for him. He hadn't been gentle at all with her last night. In fact, Shepard was pretty damn sure her breasts, thighs, back, and ass were covered in bruises and teeth marks.

When she shifted to try to stretch her sore muscles, she felt Kaidan shift on his side of the bed. He groggily sat up and ran a hand over his face. He glanced over his shoulder at her and the two locked eyes for a split second before he silently stood up and left the room.

Shepard heaved a heavy sigh. As next mornings went, this was definitely not the best. Not the worst either, but not the best.

She wrapped the sheets around herself and slowly slid off the bed, wincing at the sore muscles. Each step she took towards where he disappeared sent a sharp pain between her thighs. She paused at the door to the living room and saw him standing in the kitchen, now wearing a pair of pants. She was tempted to make her way to the kitchen, but decided against it. Something told her he needed the space.

But she had to do something.

"Kaidan?"

He stopped doing whatever he was doing for a moment, the only sign he had even heard her, before continuing his task.

She held the sheets tighter against herself and pursed her lips together.

"I don't regret it," she finally said.

Kaidan's movements paused again for a moment before continuing.

"Last night," she decided to clarify, he thought she was talking about Cerberus, though she knew he didn't. "I don't regret it." She paused and rolled her right shoulder, wincing at the stretch of muscle. "My body might, but I don't," she joked.

A heavy sigh came from the kitchen and Kaidan stopped moving around. He appeared in the living room and locked eyes with her. "I think you should leave," he said quietly.

Shepard swallowed a lump in her throat, but nodded. She didn't know what she wanted him to say, but that had been far from it. "OK," she whispered, her heart falling into her stomach. She walked back into the bedroom and tried to put her clothes on as quickly as possible, wincing with each bend.

She didn't notice when he appeared at the doorway. She was barely even aware of the pain in her body. All she was aware of was the shattered feeling that was making its way up her throat. She tried to hold it in, never having been one for such an action, but she couldn't help it.

The sob escaped her throat before she could stop it. Her hand immediately slapped over her mouth, as if the action would stop it from continuing, but it failed miserably. The next thing she knew, warm hands were on her shoulders and turning her around. She buried her face in his bare chest and sobbed, his hands moving up and down her back soothingly. It only served to make her sob harder.

* * *

When Shepard walked back on to the _Normandy_, she felt as if she had just been through another Elysium. She was tired, sore, emotionally drained, and hungover as hell.

"Hey, Commander," Joker greeted.

Shepard looked back at him and nodded. "Joker." She marched through the CIC and quickly made her way to the elevator. "EDI, the Loft please."

_Yes, Commander._

She heaved a heavy sigh of relief when she stepped off the elevator. What she needed right now was a nice, hot, and long shower. After that... well, after that, she'd have EDI finish installing the IFF and start seriously considering going through the Omega 4 Relay. They were ready.

"Shepard."

She stopped short in the doorway and blinked in surprise. Garrus was standing by the couch and coffee table, his arms crossed. He did not look pleased.

"Garrus," she greeted, walking further into the room. "Something I can help you with?"

"Actually, I came up here to check on you, only to discover you didn't come back last night." The accusation was there, hidden in the statement.

"Yeah... I uh..." Shepard rubbed the back of her neck nervously.

"You slept with Kaidan," he bluntly stated.

Shepard sighed. "Yeah..."

"And?"

"And... he's still pissed." Garrus just stared at her imploringly, as if expecting more. "He uh... He said he doesn't know where we stand and... and the rest was rather personal, Garrus." She tiredly walked down the few steps and plopped down on the couch. She let her head fall in her hands. "How did I let things get this bad?"

"You didn't have anything to do with it, Shepard." Garrus soothed as he sat next to her. "This all happened as a result of your death and resurrection. There's nothing that you did or could have done."

"I know, I just..." She leaned back and looked at him. "I feel responsible."

"That's because you're Shepard," he clarified.

Shepard stared at him a moment before smiling. "When did you become my moral compass, Garrus?"

Garrus snorted and gave a Turian's version of a smirk. "When you helped me find mine."

"Hmm." She let her head roll back and looked at the ceiling, her eyes taking in the stars through the glass.

"Shepard, I have to ask..." She turned her gaze back to him. "Last night was the only time I'd ever seen you drink..."

She sighed and leaned forward, her gaze falling to her boots, almost as if whatever she was about to say was something that cited shame. "Yeah... There's was a uh..." She cleared her throat. "I usually don't, not because I'm an alcoholic, but... It's because of what happened on Elysium..."


	24. Elysium - Part One

"Goddamn, Shepard!" Derek laughed at the younger woman as she slammed back another shot of vodka.

Shepard looked up from her glass and grinned. She wasn't drunk yet, but hell if she wasn't getting there. "What's wrong, Thompson? Feeling it already?"

The marine snorted and shook his head. "Nope, just surprised is all. You never struck me as a drinker." He shot back his third glass of vodka, matching Shepard's number.

The two had just started a friendly game of one upping each other after having already been at the bar an hour drinking a few beers. It was their shore leave and damned if they weren't going to enjoy it. They were young and had just finished a boring detail aboard the _DeGrasse - _where they were pretty much just escorting a group of Alliance scientists around uninhabited planets - a few days ago.

Right now they were on a much needed week of shore leave at Elysium, something many of the young soldiers were thrilled about. The place was such a symbol of human ingenuity to them that those new to the Alliance couldn't help but be in awe. While Shepard appreciated the place's history, she certainly wasn't as enamored as most Earth and Colony born soldiers seemed to be.

"Well, I'm full of surprises, Lieutenant," she grinned back and picked up the empty shot glass. Her tongue peeked out from between her lips as she added it to the tower the two had decided to build on the table between them. He followed her example and placed his on top of hers.

He let out a small whistle as it wavered. "You're definitely full of something," he muttered, slightly distracted as he kept an eye on the shaky tower.

Shepard couldn't help the small flutter in her stomach.

To say she and Derek got along well was an understatement. The two had been flirting up a storm since they received their posting on the _DeGrasse_. If they weren't flirting, they were trying to one up the other on either sparring, weapon knowledge, or sarcasm. Besides, Derek Thompson wasn't so bad looking. He stood tall at 6'3" and had dirty blond hair that began curling at the root. Sure, he was a little older than her, his 28 to her 22, but they definitely had a chemistry.

Whether or not anything was going to happen though...

Shepard had always been hesitant when it came to breaching the fraternization rules. Sure, most of the Alliance brass would overlook it, knowing from first hand experience how intimate companionship out in space could be the only way for someone to stay sane, but there were other matters to consider. Like the emotional attachment. Many, mostly men, would say they could separate the emotional and the physical, but Shepard had seen many times first hand where that promise would fall short. It was always on the field too. Both parties involved would pull stupid risks for the other, usually endangering the rest of the squad in the process.

"Hopefully liquor by the end of the night." She waved over for more shots and quickly pushed the thoughts about fraternization out of her head. She was definitely buzzed and she hadn't even stood up yet.

"I can think of something else to fill you with." He winked at her.

"That's crude, even for you, Thompson," she snorted and poked at the shot glass tower.

"I was talking about this place's burgers. You're the one with a dirty mind, babe." He grinned broadly as she tossed him a doubtful look.

The waitress dragged herself over to their table and carelessly plopped their shots in front of them before leaving without a word.

Derek snickered. "Wonder what's got her panties in a twist."

"Samson over there keeps hitting her with come ons. I think she's getting annoyed." Shepard picked up her fourth shot and stared at it absent mindedly.

"Damn, you don't miss a thing, do you?"

The intense gaze on her made her snap her eyes from her unshot liquor to the man in front of her. The look in his eyes were filled with wonder and curiosity. It made the atmosphere very thick and heavy. Shepard suddenly found herself very uncertain. She hadn't even realized when she'd lowered her still full shot glass.

"Derek..."

In the future, Shepard would never know if she had been about to confess her obvious attraction to him or if she had been about to turn down his obvious attraction to her. Before her mind – or hormones – could reach a conclusion, the entire bar shook. Not two seconds later, alarms sounded.

They were under attack.

Without a second thought, Shepard and Thompson were out of their seats and running out of the bar, along with every other soldier. By the time they made it out the door, Shepard could feel the effects of the alcohol start to settle.

The alarms signaling an attack on the colony were sounding and Shepard was drunk.

She was by no means an alcoholic. She rarely even drank, finding the loss of inhibitions to be somewhat disconcerting, but even she had times where she threw caution to the wind. Her run into the nearest Alliance post had her regretting that recent decision.

They reached the base where one of the superiors was issuing out orders. Staff Commander Holcomb went to toss each of them an assault rifle when he paused. He sneered at them, the stench of alcohol impossible to hide. He handed the rifles to two other sober marines and handed them pistols instead. He glared at them, but said nothing about it and ordered them to the east barricade.

Any other time, he probably would have ripped them a new one and sent them to sober up in solitude, but they weren't on active duty and they weren't the only ones under the influence, Shepard was sure.

It was just a few minutes later when Shepard realized just how desperate they were.

There was nothing more sobering than the sight of a Batarian with a knife cutting the throat of a lower ranking officer who was nothing more than a kid.

The first thirty minutes of the fight was a giant blur to Shepard. She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol, the adrenaline, or some combination of both, but either way there was a moment were everything narrowed and she was able to compartmentalize and truly assess her situation.

It was when Staff Lieutenant Thompson ran passed her cover, only he wasn't running towards the Batarians. It was such a strange sight that it took Shepard a few moments to figure out what he was doing.

He was running away.

She peeked out from her cover, but instead of firing her pistol at the first Batarian she saw, she truly assessed the situation. The majority of the unit assigned this barricade had fallen. She and maybe three others were currently fighting back the forty or so Batarian soldiers. Unfortunately, that wasn't all. Approximately ten Batarian shuttles were incoming. Shepard reckoned they probably held at least ten Batarian soldiers in each, maybe more if they packed them in tightly enough.

Holding the line wasn't an option anymore.

If they wanted to continue this fight, Shepard knew they would have to give up some ground, which was a dangerous thing strategically speaking, but better than certain death.

"FALL BACK!"

At first she thought it was someone else shouting the order. But then she shouted it again and the other Alliance soldiers listened. They didn't seem to care that she was merely a 2nd Lieutenant and they were her superiors. They just seemed relieved to have someone issuing that order for them.

As they fell back to the closest Alliance post, Shepard stopped by a few bodies of Alliance soldiers. She snatched up their weapons, their ammunition, and some medigel. She paused at one soldier in particular and gave his corpse an approving nod.

Smart lad.

She snatched up the bag of landmines and looked around for the tell-tale signs of any already buried. There were only a few, but enough to make her new job easier. Unfortunately, she didn't have the time to bury them in tactical locations, but as she made her way back to the Alliance post, she tossed them to where she felt was the most strategic and left them out in the open for the Batarians to see.

When she made it back to the Alliance post, she slammed the door shut behind her, knowing full well she was the last to make it in. When she turned around to face her fellow soldiers, her heart dropped. Not only were the few who made it in horrible condition, but they weren't the only ones in the post. The small building was filled with civilians, children included.

They all looked at her silently and Shepard felt her heart reach out to them. They were terrified. Civilians _and_ soldiers. Shepard doubted that any of the people in the room had ever seen anything like this, hear of it yes, but actually seen it with their own eyes? Doubtful. Hell, even she hadn't seen it.

"Thompson!" Shepard pointed to her friend, not really taking the time to fully register that he outranked her or that he had abandoned them on the field. Of all the soldiers, he was in the best shape, plus she knew where his strength truly lied. She handed him a sniper rifle she had picked up on her way into the building. "Take this sniper rifle and find some cover. We're gonna have a wave of Batarians coming through that door any minute!"

"You!" She pointed to a Chief, not caring what his actual rank was either. He was the most injured. "Take the civilians below to the bunker, keep them quiet and guard the door." She turned her attention to the civilians. "If any of you know how to handle a gun, I suggest you grab one from the armory down there if any are left. Keep quiet and listen to the Chief. He'll keep you safe."

Before she turned to the other two Alliance soldiers, the Chief was leading the civilians to the bunker that the Alliance had built under the posts in paranoia of an attack when they first established the colony.

"You two, grab your guns and whatever ammunition you need and take cover on the flanks. I'm gonna hold point and shoot at whatever comes through that door." Shepard traded out her pistol for an assault rifle and a shotgun before taking cover behind an office desk. The other two muttered 'aye aye's before following suit.

The explosions on the other side told Shepard that her landmines were working. If they saw hers and tried to go around they would hit the ones buried by the dead soldier which would make the Batarians close to the explosion, instinctively take another route and stumble on hers for all the world to see. It would take out a good many of the slavers, but not nearly enough.

When the doors burst open and the Batarians flooded through, there was only so much their guns and grenades could do. Shepard had to hold back a scream when Thompson fell from the beams and landed just a few feet from her, a bullet to the head.

That was the first time she knew she wouldn't make it out of this battle alive.


	25. Elysium - Part Two

There are two reasons why this took me sooo long to put up. My first reason is that I suck at writing battles like this and kept having to go back and rewrite it. I'm still not too pleased. The second reason was because... well, I get distracted easily and fanfics are really just my way to keep my creative processes going between my own original stories. So, here we go. Chapter 25.

* * *

They called her a hero.

Hero of the Skyllian Blitz.

But she hadn't won the battle. She had only managed to somehow hold off the ground forces on the east barricade until Alliance forces arrived. She had fallen back so many times, given up more and more ground just to survive. She ordered every civilian she came across to the underground bunkers, making wounded soldiers escort them whenever possible. She ordered soldiers higher ranking than her to help set up booby traps, trojan horses, and whatever means she could think of.

They wouldn't have survived without her, they said.

But how many soldiers had she ordered to their deaths?

After the Batarians had flooded that post, Shepard was sure she was dead. There was no way she could survive that many Batarian slavers at once. Just as she was about to resign herself to death, she saw it and an idea flashed in her mind. Without even considering if it was truly a good idea or not, Shepard dove for Thompson's sniper rifle, barely dodging the Batarians' fire. She aimed. She shot.

The entire building went dark when she hit the fuse box.

Shepard used the new found cover to sneak out of the building, flinching in regret as the Batarians' wild fire hit the other two soldiers before they even registered what was going on. She rigged the door behind her with one of the grenades she had stolen from Alliance corpses and made her way through the colony. She wasn't leaving the east side barricade. You lose one barricade, then you lose them all. While she had no idea how the others were doing, she knew hers was close to collapsing.

Just as she tried to consider what else to do, a piercing scream hit her ears. She peaked from around a corner and watched as three Batarian slavers dragged two young teenage girls and a ten year old boy into the street. They held the civilians too close for Shepard to get a clear shot, but shooting wasn't the only thing Shepard was good at.

She snuck towards them, using shuttles, buildings, trees, boxes, whatever she could find to hide behind while the Batarians tried to get the kicking kids under control. Shepard pulled out a standard Alliance issued knife and quickly stabbed one of the Batarians in the back and twisted. She yanked it out and slit the throat of the one that just turned around. She pulled out her shotgun and shot the third one, but not before he managed to fire his pistol.

The children didn't wait to see if she was OK before running back to their original hiding spot. Not that she could blame them.

Under normal circumstances, Shepard wouldn't have even acknowledged the shot. Why? Because it would have bounced off her shields or been slowed by her armor. Unfortunately, because of her shore leave, Shepard had left her armor on the _DeGrasse_. That meant no armor and no shields. The bullet had gone straight through her shoulder.

Now seriously injured, alone, and out in the open, Shepard was once again surrounded by Batarians who had been in the area. Five of them surrounded her and Shepard felt that same feeling gnawing at her gut again. She was going to die. But damned if she was gonna die alone.

She pulled out a grenade and smirked at the Batarian who faltered. She tossed it to him. She watched in slow motion as all four of his eyes widened. He quickly backpeddled, along with several of his fellow slavers. Shepard tossed another grenade to the Batarians behind her. They imitated their colleagues' actions. She ran towards the Batarians gathered on her left, her shotgun still in her hands. She slammed the butt of her gun against one who was distracted by the grenades. Before she could hit or shoot another Batarian or be shot or hit by one, the first grenade went off, followed by the second.

Shepard flew forward, landing on top of two slavers before rolling towards the nearby building and smacking into the wall. Her head hit it with a nice loud thump.

She quickly stumbled back to her feet and looked around dazed, her ears ringing violently. One of the Batarians she had landed on sat up and she quickly shot him with her shotgun without thought before running back down the street.

The rest of the battle was like this. Hours of close calls and little battles won within the bigger battle.

Maybe she had slowed them down. Maybe she had saved a few civilian lives. But it wasn't enough.

She would never forget that moment when an Alliance ship appeared as if from out of nowhere, the quick retreat of the slavers, or the shouts of victory heard from the other end of the colony. She had limped towards the original line of the east barricade, stopping momentarily to register all the Alliance officers swarming the site. One officer in particular watched as she limped towards them.

"Soldier," he greeted, saluting her.

She quickly and instinctively mimicked the action, her eyes snapping to the bars on his uniform. "Commander." As she said his rank, she realized that because she was not wearing her Alliance uniform or armor, there had been no indication of her rank to the other soldiers. Hence the lack of hesitation to follow her orders. Her stomach twisted at the realization.

"Report." The command was simple and yet incredibly complicated.

Shepard took in a breath. "There are a group of civilians and injured soldiers in some of the underground bunkers, sir. They require immediate assistance."

The Commander nodded and motioned for one of his officers to take care of it. "Where's the rest of your unit, soldier?"

Whatever breath she had was suddenly gone. She closed her eyes and tried to find her center, but it was just beyond her reach. She opened her eyes, feeling incredibly unsteady. "The ones who weren't ordered to the bunker didn't make it, sir. Most died here." She refused to let her eyes travel to the corpses being dragged away.

"Were you in the bunker, soldier?"

"No, sir."

"What's your rank and name?"

"2nd Lieutenant Faye Shepard, sir."

"Well, Lieutenant, you did a hell of a job." He reached out and patted her on the shoulder.

The contact made her jump, but it seemed to snap her out of some fog she hadn't even realized she'd been in. "Why don't you make your way to the medical team and let them have a look at you. You look like you were standing on a bomb when it exploded."

"I was, sir."

The comment made the man smile slightly, only to have the amusement fall away when he realized she was serious. She said nothing else and limped her way to the medical team.

"Commander Anderson," a soldier walked over to him and saluted quickly. "You may want to hear this." He motioned to the group of civilians that had been found in the bunkers.

From the first civilian to the last soldier who had found refuge in the bunker, Shepard had been credited with either their survival or the survival of a loved one.

From what they could find (vids, testimonials, and the time of deaths of the other soldiers), after the Batarians had breached the barricade, Shepard had been the only soldier holding them at bay for the last two hours.

Two weeks later, she was awarded the Star of Terra.

One week after that, Anderson personally approached her for the N7 program.


	26. Message To Kaidan

Kaidan.

Here she was getting ready to launch a suicide mission through the Omega 4 Relay to get her crew back and attack the Collector base and all she could think about was Kaidan. He had come to see her the night they went to Ilos, renewed her wavering confidence in herself, and granted her some much needed solace that night. It was a shame they hadn't had more time together.

The picture on her desk was an old one from their shore leave after saving the Citadel. That one week – that glorious week. It hadn't been that long ago – at least for her – but now it seemed like a lifetime had passed. The half-smile that she captured always gave her a pleasant twist in her stomach. It was depressing to think that the last time she might see it was in a still frame.

She sighed and pushed herself away from the desk. They wouldn't be hitting the relay for a few hours and she had some numbers she could distract herself with. There was no way she was getting any kind of sleep tonight.

Shepard paused and glanced back at the computer.

Ever since his message, she'd been trying to come up with the perfect response to no avail. And then she ran into him on Omega and...

Shepard sighed at the memory. Or at least what she did remember. Mainly, the morning after.

After he let her finish sobbing on his chest, he had pulled her away and kissed her forehead.

_"There's nobody like you, Shepard. Whatever this suicide mission is that you're going on... you'll make it back. And we'll see each other again. What that means... I don't know."_

She sat back down at the computer and looked down at the datapad. She already had some things written down...

She turned on the computer and hit the record button. She stared at the monitor silently before starting.

"Kaidan... We're getting ready to go through the Omega 4 Relay and I-" she stopped abruptly, then shook her head. She held a datapad up to the screen, she was too nervous for recording a message, but she had to.

"I actually wrote down what I wanted to say to you. Which is... stupid, because I'm not even sure I'm going to send this. I just-" she paused and set the datapad down. She let out a heavy breath. "I just want to talk to you.

"I didn't handle Horizon well. Two years is a long time to go, to move on. It's easy to forget that three months ago wasn't that week of shore leave we took. You moved on. I can't imagine what it would have been like had the situation been reversed, but... I'd probably be angry too.

"You were right about Cerberus, by the way. I knew you were right then, but... God, I was desperate, Kaidan. Everything had changed! Hell, Garrus became a mercenary, Tali's leading her own squads on suicide missions, and the Geth are much more than..." She stopped and shook her head. "You were always the steady one. I had hoped that once I found you it would all fall back into place...

"It doesn't matter anymore, I guess..." she trailed off.

Almost immediately flashes of them on the original _Normandy_ flooded her mind. Their conversations, the small smiles and glances they sent back and forth. She wouldn't have traded any of that for anything!

"What am I saying? Of course, it matters!

"God, Kaidan... you know, I might not make it back from this mission. I know that taking the Collectors out is the right thing, but... the Illusive Man is... well, he's an ass. He's kept information back, he's intentionally put us in harm's way without so much as a warning. If I thought the Alliance would help fund this mission now, I would be at HQ talking with the brass, but... they don't trust me anymore. Can't say I blame them anyway.

"I... this wasn't suppose to be me making excuses. This was suppose to be... well... a goodbye maybe? I didn't really get to say that to you before. I don't know if it will make things better or worse... Especially after Omega, but I gotta say, as much as it hurts... I'm kind of glad you're not here. You're safe... and I-"

"Siha?"

The unexpected voice made her jump. Even if the voice hadn't given away who it was, there was only one person who called her that. "Thane?"

She immediately turned off the recorder and stood up from her desk. "What are you doing here?"

Thane stood at the top of the stairs, looking stoic and almost sad. He looked away from her and clasped his hands behind his back, as he had done many times in the past. "I- I have known I will die for many years," he started, still refusing to look at her. "I've tried to leave the galaxy better than I found it. You've helped me achieve more than I thought possible. We've righted many wrongs..." Before he spoke the next words, he looked up at her, his large eyes intense. It was almost as if he was trying to convey the importance of his next words. "I've spoken to my son. I should be at peace on the eve of battle." He walked down the stairs and towards her.

"Stop, Thane. Don't give me a speech. What's going on?" Shepard was worried. She had never seen him this way before.

"I'm ashamed..." he admitted quietly.

"Ashamed? Of what?" Now she was truly confused.

He walked to her desk, his back now to her. Suddenly his fist slammed onto the surface, making her jump in surprise. "I've worked so hard. Meditated and prayed and done good deeds. Atoned for the evils I've done. Prepared. I consider my body's death, and a chill settles in my gut. I am afraid, and it shames me."

"Thane..." Shepard stepped towards him and placed her hand on his fist. "Being afraid of death is nothing to be ashamed of."

"I just..." He turned around to look at her, revealing the tears that were streaming down his cheeks. "You've given me so much, Siha. I-" His gaze was so intense it made Shepard take in a sharp breath. He took a step towards her, leaving practically no room between them. "I feel more alive now than I have since I went into my battle sleep. I just..."

The next thing Shepard knew, his hand slipped behind her neck and pulled her lips to his. She immediately lost her breath. Her mouth instinctively opened and his tongue, a new texture and taste that made her mind spin, took advantage and expertly explored her. His hand brushed down her neck and followed along her spine, sending tingles all over her body, until they rested on the small of her back and pulled her hips against his.

Her hands rested on his waist. When her mind was able to finally form a thought through – what she could only describe as - euphoria, it was one that made her put her hands on his chest and pull her lips away from his.

_Kaidan._

Thane used the opportunity to press his lips along her neck, the feel familiar yet foreign at the same time. Her head spun again as her skin tingled under his lips. Her knees shook.

"Thane," she muttered, taking in a sharp breath when his lips found the particularly sensitive spot on her collar bone. "Thane, wait..."

The Drell, pulled away and looked at her curiously. His eyes were ever intense and it took all of Shepard's concentration to push out of his arms and put a few inches between them. "Siha?" He almost looked hurt.

"I'm sorry, Thane, but I..."

"You do not feel the same way," he finished for her a small, knowing yet sad, smile on his face.

"I do, actually," she admitted quietly, looking away from him.

"Then it is because I am dying." He looked down, the shame seemed to pour off him again.

"No." Shepard took a step forward and placed the palm of her hand to his cheek, coercing him to look at her again. "You are... not what I expected, Thane. And I care for you, deeply. There's just..."

"Ah." The knowing in his voice made her hand slip away from his face and land gently on his chest. She immediately looked down knowing he had figured it out. "There is someone else."

"There use to be." She stepped away. "Last time we saw each other... it didn't go so well,but... I still have feelings for him. Strong feelings. I can't do that to you or him... or me."

"I understand, Siha. Feelings are what they are." His hand rested on top of hers and gently held it. "I hope you do not mind if I hold a place for you in my heart."

"Thane..."Shepard whispered, slowly looking back up to meet his eyes. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "I'm sorry."

"You need not apologize, Siha."


	27. Message Received

Kaidan had literally just walked onto the Citadel when Councilor Anderson approached him. "Staff Commander Alenko, how was the trip?"

"It was fine, sir," Kaidan answered cautiously. He still had no idea what he was doing here.

"Good to hear, Commander." Anderson motioned with a jerk of his head for Kaidan to follow him. The Councilor's pace was quick as they made there way to the Presidium. "I have a special request for you, Alenko." Anderson sent him a meaningful look. "However, if you have issues with it, you are by no means required to assist."

Kaidan stopped in his tracks, making the Councilor stop too. "What's going on, sir?"

"The _Normandy_ just went through the Omega 4 Relay."

Kaidan's eyes widened. Even he knew of the Omega 4 Relay. "What?! Why?!"

"I'll explain in my office." Without another word he spun on his heel and started walking again. Kaidan hurried after him.

When they reached the office, Kaidan wasn't surprised to see Udina there, but Hackett's presence made him stop short. He quickly saluted his commanding officer, in the back of his mind realizing he hadn't done the same for Anderson. Hackett just waved him to ease.

"Staff Commander Alenko, it's good to see you," he greeted, but his face told a different story.

"Commander," Udina greeted as well, obviously uncaring that he was here.

"What's this about Shepard going through the Omega 4 Relay?" Kaidan quickly asked.

"From what we can gather, she's on her way to the Collector's home world," Udina answered, a scowl on his face as he clicked away on his screen.

"Home base, actually," Hackett corrected. "We received a bunch of classified Cerberus files on their mission just a few hours ago."

"She sent them," Kaidan nodded in understanding. That would be a Shepard thing to do.

"Not exactly." Anderson answered, picking up a datapad. He tossed it to Alenko.

_By Shepard's request, I have sent you the following files and reports. _

_I have encrypted it to ensure her request is followed._

_- The Shadow Broker_

"The Shadow Broker?" Kaidan looked up in surprise. To be fair, he was unsure whether or not he was more surprised by the fact that The Shadow Broker had sent this to them per her request or that Shepard had actually thought to contact the Shadow Broker after he tried to purchase confidential Alliance information from her two years ago.

"A surprise to us too." The tone in Anderson's voice as he sat down made Kaidan's gaze snap to him. It was obvious that Anderson did not enjoy being left in the dark. Especially where Shepard was concerned.

"So, all these files... they're from her time with Cerberus?" He set the datapad down and looked at all the datapads on the table.

"Yes." Hackett nodded. "And I've gotta say, some of this is quite surprising."

"How so?" Kaidan frowned, nervous. What could it be?

Hackett pushed Udina's hands away from the screen and hit a few keys. Almost immediately an image of some type of dried up terrain appeared on the screen. It was when a needle appeared in the screen that Kaidan realized it wasn't terrain, but something else... Then a woman's voice began to speak.

_"__Progress is slow, but subject shows signs of recovery. Major organs are again functional, and there are signs of rudimentary neurological activity. In an effort to accelerate the process, we've moved from the simple organic reconstruction of the subject to bio-synthetic fusion. Initial results show promise."_

"Is that..." Kaidan trailed off as the screen continued to move across the cracked... skin. It was skin. "Shepard?" He frowned as he heard grunts of agreement from Anderson and Hackett. A few more clicks on the screen and an attractive woman with long brown hair appeared in the screen.

_"__Physical reconstruction of subject is complete, but we still need to evaluate all mental and neurological functions. Our orders were clear: Make Commander Shepard who she was before the explosion - - the same mind, the same morals, the same personality. If we alter her identity in any way, if she's somehow not the woman she used to be, the Lazarus Project will have failed. I refuse to let that happen."_

Kaidan swallowed a lump in his throat. It was Shepard. She hadn't been lying to him, but... What did they do to her? They rebuilt her? Was that even... was that possible? Even if she looked, acted, and thought like Commander Shepard, was she still Commander Shepard?

For the next few hours, the four men dug in the files, watched and read whatever they came across. The most surprising thing for all of them was the roster. The majority of her crew were ex-Alliance. And recent ex-Alliance. In fact, looking into their files in the Alliance database, they found that most had left because they had originally believed Shepard's warnings about the Reapers. Then there were the familiar names:

Garrus Vakarian

Tali Zorah vas Normandy nar Rayya (the 'vas Normandy' bit incited a small conversation about what that entailed)

Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau

Dr. Karin Chakwas

Those were surprising and yet they weren't at the same time. Kaidan had already been aware of Garrus' spot on her crew, but to see the other three... Kaidan wasn't sure how he felt about that.

They were all tiring, their heads aching, their eyes straining, as the hours wore on. It was irritating, but would have to wait to finish.

They all agreed to come back and continue their analysis of all the files after a good night sleep.

Kaidan had just walked into his assigned room when his eyes zoomed in on the datapad lying on his bed. This was the first time he had even stepped foot in this room.

He slowly approached the bed and picked it up. All it had was a message.

_Check the computer_

_The Shadow Broker_

He wasn't sure how he felt about the Shadow Broker having been in his room... or at least one of his agents, but he did as told and walked towards the computer. A vid file was already up. All it needed was for him to hit play. God help him if he didn't hesitate.

Shepard's face appeared in his screen and Kaidan had to suck in a sharp breath. Her normally fair skin looked pale and kind of sallow. Her face was much thinner than he remembered and dark circles were beginning to form under her large eyes.

She looked exhausted.

_Kaidan_, she started, his name coming out in a soft sigh. Her bright blue eyes were glued to something on the desk between her and the camera. It occurred to him that she was getting ready to read something. _We're getting ready to go through the Omega 4 Relay and I –_ she stopped abruptly, then shook her head.

She held a datapad up to the screen, proving Kaidan's conclusion. He couldn't help but smile at her obvious nervousness.

_I actually wrote down what I wanted to say to you. Which is... stupid, because I'm not even sure I'm going to send this. I just-_ she paused and set the datapad down, her blue eyes finally looking into the camera. They weren't as bright as he remembered. She sighed heavily. _I just want to talk to you..._

The confession made his chest tighten.

_I didn't handle Horizon well. Two years is a long time to go, to move on. It's easy to forget that three months ago wasn't that week of shore leave we took. You moved on. I can't imagine what it would have been like had the situation been reversed, but... I'd probably be angry too._

_You were right about Cerberus, by the way. I knew you were right then, but... God, I was desperate, Kaidan. Everything had changed! Hell, Garrus became a mercenary, Tali's leading her own squads on suicide missions, and the Geth are much more than... _She stopped and sighed with a shake of her head. _You were always the steady one. I had hoped that once I found you it would all fall back into place... _

_It doesn't matter anymore, I guess... _

That sentence almost made him angry, but the words she said next quickly satiated that anger.

_What am I saying? Of course, it matters!_

_God, Kaidan... you know, I might not make it back from this mission. I know that taking the Collectors out is the right thing, but... the Illusive Man is... well, he's an ass. He's kept information back, he's intentionally put us in harm's way without so much as a warning. If I thought the Alliance would help fund this mission now, I would be at HQ talking with the Brass, but... they don't trust me anymore. Can't say I blame them anyway._

_I... this wasn't suppose to be me making excuses. This was suppose to be... well... A goodbye maybe? I didn't really get to say that to you before. I don't know if it would make things better or worse... Especially after Omega. Gotta say, as much as it hurts... I'm kind of glad you're not here. You're safe... and I-_

_Siha?_

_Thane?_

The video immediately cut off, leaving Kaidan with a deep frown.

Who the hell was Thane?

He would look through the roster for anyone named Thane when he went back to look at the files. He would also look up the term 'Siha.'


	28. The Normandy's Surrender

Kaidan had been called back to the Alliance HQ for a classified situation. When he arrived, no one had told him what was going on. All he knew was that Admirals Hackett and Anderson wanted him present. Whatever was going on, it was big.

"Admiral Anderson," he greeted as the older man approached him. The two shook hands.

"Commander. Just in time," he greeted in return. "Follow me." He continued his march down the hall.

Kaidan scrambled after him, not expecting him to continue his stride. "Sir, what's going on?"

"You'll find out all in good time, Alenko," he smiled smugly as they made there way to the docking bay. When they reached the docking bay, Anderson stood straight, his hands clasped behind his back. It was a pose Kaidan had seen Shepard adopt many times. Sure, a lot of soldiers would stand like that, but there was something about the way both Shepard and Anderson did it. No one else could hold the same air of authority. Not even Hackett could manage it.

Anderson kept his eyes glued to the window, but the only thing out there was the rest of Vancouver.

Kaidan wasn't dumb, he knew that they were waiting for a ship to dock, but whatever it was that required his presence... no. Kaidan had to stop all trains of thought, but he couldn't keep the possibility from entering his head. Were they waiting on the _Normandy_?

As soon as the question entered his mind, a ship pulled into dock and he watched as the words _Normandy SR-2_ slid to a stop in front of him.

"Sir?" He turned a surprise gaze to Anderson.

"You heard about what happened in the Bahak system?" Anderson turned his gaze to Kaidan.

"Yeah..." Kaidan nodded. "Someone destroyed the Mass Relay-" As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew who it had been. It was kept secret by both the Alliance and the Citadel and now he knew why. "No..." He shook his head. Shepard wouldn't have done that. Not unless...

"The Reapers were getting ready to come through," Anderson confirmed Kaidan's suspicions. "She had no choice. They were already dead."

"So... what's she doing here?" he asked as they approached the docking bay door. Kaidan now noticed all the Alliance soldiers standing there... with guns.

"She's turning herself in."

The voice made Kaidan turn around, only to come face to face with Admiral Hackett.

"She's..." Kaidan stopped and turned back to the doors when he heard the familiar hiss.

His face was stoic when it opened.

Shepard stood there, her chin held high. She took a step towards them and saluted. Only Anderson and Hackett returned the salute.

"Shepard," Anderson greeted.

She nodded to him. "Anderson, Hacektt." Her eyes landed on Kaidan. "Kaidan."

"We appreciate you doing this, Shepard." Hackett took a step forward and Shepard nodded confidently in return.

"It's the right thing," she answered.

"You understand that this is only for formality," Anderson said, taking a step towards her. She nodded and clasped her hands behind her back, that air of authority still radiating off her. It was when Anderson stepped behind her and pulled out a pair of handcuffs that Kaidan frowned. He didn't want to see this.

Why was he here?

Anderson and a few other soldiers led her away. As she walked by him, their gazes caught, but he refused to turn his head to follow as she stepped past him. He couldn't look at the cuffs on her wrists.

Hackett turned to Kaidan. "Other than Anderson, you were the only available Alliance officer who served on the original _Normandy_. We may need your expertise."

Kaidan nodded in understanding, but he really didn't want to step onto this _Normandy_. It wasn't his ship. That one was destroyed.

Without another word, Kaidan followed Hackett through the doors. They both came to stop when they walked into the familiar hallway. Kaidan had to blink in surprise. Sure, there were some differences, but for the most part, this hallway...

"Admiral Hackett."

The familiar voice interrupted Kaidan's train of thought. Sure enough, there was Joker sitting in his seat and staring at them. He did not look happy.

"Flight Lieutenent Moreau," Hackett nodded back to the pilot. "What can you tell me about the differences between the _Normandy SR-1 _and the _Normandy SR-2_?"

With a sigh, Joker launched into a spiel about the main differences, the most being the upgrades the crew had installed themselves.

It was rather impressive. On an Alliance vessel, some of the upgrades would have been unheard of without the proper approval from the brass, but on a Cerberus vessel...

Kaidan's eyes landed on the Cerberus insignia on Joker's uniform and hat. He inwardly scoffed and turned his gaze away from the cockpit. The rest of the crew were in their stations, though to be honest, he doubted it was the entire crew. There were only a few people and and he was sure that even Shepard would need a full crew to run this ship.

"Where's the rest of the crew?" he interrupted, not really caring whatever it was Joker had been going on about.

There was a moment of silence where Joker seemed to consider. "We dropped them off on Omega."

The silence was thick as Hackett scowled at the younger man. "You what?"

"Shepard insisted," Joker defended, repositioning himself in his chair. Kaidan knew from experience that when Joker shifted, he was getting ready for an argument. "Not everyone on the crew was Human. So Garrus, Tali, Dr. Solus, everyone not Human we dropped off somewhere. The others, like those who have been with Cerberus for years or defected from the Alliance, we gave them the option to leave or stay. As far as Shepard was concerned, they didn't need to go down with her. They were a good crew who went through a lot for her. It was the least she could do."

Hackett nodded, obviously not pleased, but not wanting to argue on what was, undoubtedly, an act of mercy on Shepard's part. "Very well." He nodded to Kaidan. "Major, why don't you lead the team of engineers around the ship, help them set up. We're still waiting on Engineer Adams to return from the Citadel."

"Aye aye, sir," Kaidan nodded and made his way through the ship, a group of Alliance engineers following closely on his heels. He had a feeling that he was not going to like what he saw. Mainly because he already liked what he saw.


	29. Isolation

It had been three weeks since Shepard surrendered over the _Normandy_. She'd been to the courts at least four times now and nothing had advanced. She was stuck in a tiny room except when her D.O. Lieutenant James Vega escorted her to the exercise yard.

She only had a few visitors during her isolation. OK, two visitors – Admirals Anderson and Hackett. Because of her ties to Cerberus, they were extremely cautious about her visitors. Even her own mother, Captain Hannah Shepard, wasn't allowed to visit her.

It was more lonely than she expected.

And yet... there was something almost relaxing about it.

Yes, the Reapers were still a force on her mind, but she did what she could. It was time that she admitted to herself that there was only so much she could do. Besides, if keeping the invasion back meant destroying galaxies, homes, and races, she didn't want to be at the forefront anymore. Hell, she didn't want to be at the forefront to begin with, but she was the only one who seemed to be willing to do something about them. Now, it was up to her crew to gather others and prepare for the incoming invasion. She already knew that Hackett, Anderson, and even Kaidan would do what was necessary to prepare.

Not that she knew how they would even begin to prepare.

Hell, she didn't even know how to prepare.

All she knew was how to fight. If it were up to her, she wouldn't be waiting, she'd be taking the fight to them. Unfortunately, she'd have to know where they were to take the fight to them.

And guns. Lots and lots of powerful fucking guns.

All she could do now was wait and hope that the Alliance and the Citadel Council listened to her warnings.

Shepard had a feeling that the only way she was getting out of isolation was when the Reapers attacked.

She had no idea how right she was.


	30. The Run To Mars

They had maybe two hours until they reached Mars. Shepard had already suited up and was in the shuttle, making sure it was fit and ready to go when Kaidan stepped inside. If she knew he had, she didn't give any indication. When he cleared his throat, she jumped and looked over her shoulder, proof she hadn't heard him.

"Kaidan," she greeted before turning back to the console.

"Shepard," he returned, walking up behind her. "What are you doing?"

"Making sure that this shuttle is up and ready to go when he hit Mars. With all the retrofits, we may have to find another way."

"Scootch," he ordered, his hand pushing gently against her shoulder until she slid out of the chair. He sat down and shook his head disapprovingly. "You were never very technically minded."

Shepard snorted. "Never had to be with you, Garrus, and Tali on the squad."

Kaidan cleared his throat uncomfortably at the reminder of their original team. "Right," he agreed.

There was a moment of awkward silence where Shepard just stared at Kaidan as he ran a diagnostic on the shuttle. "How's it lookin'?"

"It's fine," he answered curtly. It was too awkward for him in there. He stood to quickly leave, but instead found himself face to face with Shepard. He had stepped right into her personal space and if it wasn't for the armor making a barrier between them, he would have grabbed her right there he was sure. "Shepard," he meant to say it in a warning tone, but instead it came out in a husky whisper. Her eyes were so blue.

His eyes jumped from her eyes to her lips when her tongue unconsciously licked at them nervously. "Kaidan," she started, but that was all he needed to snap out of his trance.

"''Scuse me," he brushed passed her and out the shuttle.

Shepard sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

Looks like they were back to square one.


	31. Hospital Visit

I combined the conversations from Kaidan's jealousy over Thane and the conversation you have if you're loyal with him. Since in the writings, my Shepard was loyal (with the exception of the kiss), I felt like this conversation should be a combination of the two at the very least.

"I'd like an answer, Major. The galaxy has need or exceptional soldiers like you – now more than ever." Udina stood at Kaidan's bedside, his head held high.

"You'll have it soon, Councilor. I promise," Kaidan answered with a nod of his head.

"I'll look forward to it." Udina spun around and stopped short at the sight. "Shepard," he greeted, the disdain obvious in his voice. It was a little more evident than normal today.

"Udina," she greeted in return. When he left the room, she turned back to the reason she was there. She smiled lightly at the bruised man. "Hey."

"Shepard, hey!" He smiled brightly at her. "You just missed snack time." He paused, considering. "Actually, that's probably a good thing. Thanks for coming."

"No problem. What did Udina want? Still thinking about the Spectre position?" Her question only proved that she had read his message.

"Well, it's a big honor. A huge responsibility. Just need to be sure." He knew she would understand.

"I got you this." She quickly pulled out a bottle of whiskey. The subject change wasn't lost on Kaidan, but he went along with it anyway.

"Wow, thanks, Shepard. That's really great." He gave her a light smile as she set it on the nearby table.

"Just a little pick me up."

"Maybe when I'm out we can crack it open and celebrate." He meant it. "I am so ready to get out of here, Shepard. You can't tell, but I'm held to this bed by medical red tape. And the doc? The doc says I'm good to go, but then she always finds just one more test to run."

Shepard stared at him a moment and he could see the concern just pouring off her. "You doin' OK?"

"My implant got a little... rattled." He really wasn't sure how to explain it. The doctor understood the technicalities better than him. And Shepard... well, she wasn't exactly a techie. "So, doc just wants me to keep the biotics offline for bit. It's really no big deal," he tried to reassure her.

"Need me to break you out?" she joked.

Kaidan couldn't help but chuckle. He knew that the joke had a tinge of seriousness in it. She would get him out if he really wanted. "I'll let you know."

"I'm glad you asked me to come. It's good to see you're going to be OK," she confessed, looking away from him.

"Thanks," he responded quietly. He kept his eyes closely glued to her face. She looked... guilty?

"You almost died on my watch. It was horrible to see. And I care about what happens to you." When she looked back at him, their eyes made contact. He could see the truth in them. But then, he had seen the same truth in them all those months ago. He knew. He always knew. She never stopped caring about him.

"Me too. That means a lot, Shepard. So, I just want to be sure, after Mars, after Horizon... Omega... you and me... we're good?" He was worried. Worried that they had broken whatever it was they had before. Worried that they could never get even a semblance of it back.

"We've been through hell together. Had each other's backs. That kind of bond is hard to break." She smiled at him tightly and Kaidan's heart sank. She wasn't talking about them. She was talking about the bond as soldiers. Not the fact that they were in love. Even if she had never said it to him, he knew. He knew her better than anyone. He also knew that she had a tough time breaching the subject of emotionally intimate situations. Sometimes, she needed a push.

"No, not just that. You were my Commander, sure, but you listened too. When I told you about how Rhana broke my heart, you didn't judge me, you knew I needed that. We went through Ash's death together."

"Yeah, we did."

They both fell silent for moment. Kaidan's eyes stayed firmly on her as her gaze fell away.

"So what do you say? Are we good?" His question made her look back.

"We're good," she answered. "It was great to have you back on the _Normandy_."

"Thanks." He smiled tightly, his mind couldn't help but go back to the day she had surrendered. The day he walked into her cabin and found that picture of himself sitting on her desk. The day he thought again about the message she sent him. The day Thane Krios became even more enigmatic.

"What's going on? Is there something else?" God, she was perceptive.

"Yeah, maybe..." he confessed. "Well, I heard something about you and some assassin...?" he trailed off. He wasn't sure he should ask, but he had to know.

"Assassin." Shepard let out a heavy breath. "Thane..."

"So it's true...?" His chest felt tight again.

"No- yes, I mean... Kaidan... I'm sorry." She buried her head in her hands. "Nothing happened between us – a kiss! – but you and I... we were so far apart – physically." She looked up at him and he could see the regret in her eyes. "And after our fight on Horizon and then running into you on Omega..."

"Yeah, I'll own that. Horizon... seeing you alive sent me spinning. And Omega... I didn't know how to... well, I uh... I handled it badly. I'm sorry, Shepard. I just want you to know that for me... there isn't anyone else." He gently put his hand on hers. "And I still care." The confession felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, but it added a completely different kind of weight. One that only Shepard could lift.

"Feel like we've cleared the air?" The question didn't help him, but he knew she was done talking about it. Wasn't it only a few months ago where he was the one who didn't want to talk about all this? Wasn't he the one that kept changing the subject? Funny how they never seemed to be on the same page anymore.

"Yeah, you know, I'm not sure that I've been wrong about Cerberus, but I've been wrong about you." He hoped that the confession would help restore her confidence in him. "I should let you get back to the _Normandy_. Wish I could come with you."

"Take care of yourself, Kaidan. We need you at 100%."

"Will do. I'm really glad you came by. Talking to you like this reminds me how much I like you." She gave him a small smile. "We're good together." He smiled back, noticing that she hadn't let out the breath she had taken when he said he liked. "Thanks for coming."


	32. Kaidan and Thane Meet

AN: One of the things I was disappointed with was that there was no confrontation between Shepard's LI in ME1 and ME2, so I wrote this to satiate that need... then I realized as I was writing... well... this is how it would most likely go.

* * *

For the first time in a long time, Kaidan had started to feel good about him and Shepard. She came to visit him, they talked, they cleared the air, and there were no hard feelings about what had transpired. She even brought him a gift; whiskey - his favorite. He knew her well enough to know that this was her version of 'wooing' someone. Shepard was good at many things, but romance was not one of them.

So then who was that Drell who had hugged her so tightly? Was it Thane Krios? The same Thane from the vid message?

He couldn't help the jealousy that built up. When he had asked about the "rumors" he'd heard about her and an assassin, he knew he should have explained that much of it he had pieced together himself from the vid message, but he kept his mouth shut.

Yes, he trusted Shepard. Yes, he understood that if anything had happened with the Drell, it wouldn't have been cheating, not really.

Even though she had told him that they had only shared a kiss, even though he believed her, he couldn't help the jealousy that came with the realization that feelings had been there and possibly still were. Especially if that hug had anything to say about it.

The doc had just give him permission to get out of the bed and start walking around again. Since Shepard had literally just left, he hoped to catch her in the visitor's lounge before she disappeared. He froze when he saw her talking to a Drell. Then they hugged. Tightly. The Drell's hands were a little too low on her back for Kaidan's liking. When they pulled away, the Drell's hands lingered on her waist before slipping to grasp her hands. He leaned forward, his face too close to Shepard's, and said something to her. She nodded, squeezed his hands and walked towards the elevator. The Drell's eyes followed her until she disappeared.

Kaidan had a near physical struggle with himself. Part of him wanted to go over there and punch the Drell while the other part just wanted to go back to his hospital bed and try to forget what he just saw. So, he decided to compromise.

He knew better than to try and forget what he saw. He knew it would stay in his mind until he saw Shepard again and was able to ask her, but who knew when that would happen again? She was on a mission and when she had a mission... well, she was very stubborn and very focused.

So after a quick change into his uniform, he shuffled his way into the visitor's lounge. The Drell was now sitting in one of the chairs, staring out the huge window silently. Kaidan sat down in the empty one next to him.

"You must Major Alenko," he greeted before even turning his gaze to him.

"And you must be Thane Krios," Kaidan countered.

The Drell looked at him with mild surprise. "She told you of me?"

"Not really." He stared at him with scowl. "Had a roster of her crew when she went after the Collectors. Heard some rumors, which she reluctantly admitted to."

"I see," Thane muttered, turning his gaze back out the window. "You need not worry, Major. The Commander did not betray you or her feelings for you."

"That's what she said," Kaidan paused. "More or less."

"When I finally admitted my feelings for her, she turned me down because of her feelings for someone else. I must admit, my curiosity got the better of me and I dug into her past." He turned his gaze back to Kaidan. "I did not have to dig very far. She cares deeply for you."

Kaidan's anger and jealousy slowly diminished. Thane had feelings for Shepard and she turned the assassin down for him. Like she did Liara all those years ago. Hell, if there was one thing Kaidan understood, it was heartache over Shepard.

"You know, I came over here with the intentions of... I don't know... confronting you? But... I get it. Shepard is a force of her own. And I don't mean on the battle field."

Thane chuckled. "That is true. She is a rare woman."

"Yeah... she is."

"She cares for you, Major. Do not let that slip by."

"I don't plan to." Kaidan glanced at Thane to see him staring calmly outside the window. "Why are you in the hospital?"

Thane glanced in his direction and seemed to consider his answer carefully. Finally, he leaned back in the chair and kept his gaze on Kaidan. "I'm dying."

"You're sick?"

"Yes. Shepard..." he trailed off before turning his gaze back to the window. "I had nothing left when I found out. My wife had died many years ago and my son hated me. When Shepard recruited me for the mission, she gave me a purpose again. She also helped me reconnect with my son. I owe her a great debt." He looked over at Kaidan, making a point to catch and lock his eye. "She's asked me to watch after you."

Kaidan immediately looked away. He knew how he would feel if Shepard had asked him to watch after Thane. He would have been heart-broken and jealous.

But he would have done as requested.

"Oh," was all he could say.

The two sat there silently before Kaidan finally leaned back with a heavy sigh. "Thank you," he finally said.

Thane looked up at him curiously. "For what?"

"For looking after her."

Thane merely nodded. "I will always look after her. As I know you always will as well."

Neither Kaidan or Thane said anything else.


End file.
